Witticisms I've Collected along the Way - Chapter 4

I cannot take credit for these wonderful witticisms. I’ve collected these from others who have written them.

Unicorns:

Sometimes, I question my sanity. But the Unicorn in the kitchen told me I’m fine.

He told me I was delusional. I nearly fell off my Unicorn.

Always be yourself. Unless you can be a Unicorn then always be a Unicorn.

Dogs:

Love is a 4-legged word.

I don’t care who dies in a movie. As long as the dog lives.

I’m in a really good place right now. Not emotionally or spiritually. Just on the sofa with the dog.

Love is how excited your dog gets when you come home.

Aging Gracefully

I went to an antique show and people were bidding on me.

At my funeral take the bouquet off my coffin and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.

The adult version of “head, shoulders, knees and toes” is “wallet, glasses, keys and phone.”

My body is a temple. Ancient and crumbling, probably cursed or haunted.

Born to be wild…until 9 p.m.

Retirement To-Do List: Wake up. Nailed it!

I do my own stunts, but never intentionally.

Over what hill? I don’t remember any hill.

I thought the dryer made my clothes shrink. Turns out it was the refrigerator.

Sometimes it takes me all day to get nothing done.

The Golden Years have come at last! I cannot pee, I cannot see, my budget shrinks, my memory stinks. The Golden Years can kiss my ass!

I came, I saw, I forgot what I was doing. Retraced my steps, got lost on the way back. Now I have no idea what’s going on.

Don’t grow up, it’s a trap.

I don’t have grey hair. I have wisdom highlights.

Go braless…it will pull the wrinkles out of your face!

Attitude:

A fun thing to do in the morning is not talk to me.

Don’t talk to me while I’m texting. That’s rude.

THINK. It’s not illegal yet.

I didn’t mean to push all your buttons. I was just looking for mute.

Well, aren’t we just 2 scoops of grumpy in a bowl full of bitchy this morning?

I’m grateful my thoughts don’t appear in a bubble over my head.

This whiskey tastes like I’m about to tell you how I really feel.

Sometimes I have inside jokes with myself.

I’m a multitasker. I can listen, ignore and forget. All at the same time.

Common sense is not a gift. It’s a punishment. Because you have to deal with everyone who doesn’t have it.

I’ll get over it. I just need to be dramatic first.

So apparently, I have attitude.

This is my happy face.

I had my patience tested. I’m negative.

I’ll see your hot mess and raise you a walking disaster.

I’m not mean, I’m brutally honest. It’s not my fault truth hurts. Here’s a band aid.

I don’t have ducks. I don’t have a row. I have squirrels and they’re drunk

 I don’t care what people think of me. I’m busy. I’ve got MAGICAL shit to do.

It only takes one slow-walking person in the grocery store TO DESTROY THE ILLUSION THAT I’M A NICE PERSON.

If I give you a straw, will you suck the fun out of someone ELSE’S DAY?

Statements of Truth:

If you’re happy and you know it, it’s your meds.·If history repeats itself I am so getting a dinosaur.

Never trust an atom. They make up everything.

Scientists say the universe is made up of protons, neutrons, and electrons. They forgot to mention morons.

Sometimes it takes me all day to get nothing done.

·       If at first, you don’t succeed try again. And, skydiving is not for you.

·       Every once in awhile someone amazing comes along…and here I am.

·       My wife says I only have two faults. I don’t listen and something else…

·      Don’t judge me by my relatives.

·       Of course, size matters. No one wants a small glass of wine.

·       Wine flies when you’re having fun.

·        I only talk to myself because I listen.

Dust once. It came back. Not falling for that again.

Camping: Where you spend a small fortune, to live like a homeless person.

The more you weight, the harder you are to kidnap. Stay Safe. Eat Cake.

·       The 12-step chocoholics program. Never be more than 12 steps away from chocolate.

·        If you can’t remember my name, just say “Chocolate” and I’ll turn around.

·        Line dancing was started by women waiting to use the bathroom.

·        To me “drink responsibly” means don’t spill it.

·       Today I was a hero! I rescued some beer that was trapped in a bottle.

·       My GPS says, “estimated time of arrival.” I see “time to beat” and the game is on…

·      I hate it when the voices in my head go silent…I never know what they are plannin

·       I have a daughter. I also have a gun, a shovel and an alibi.

Being an adult is like folding a fitted sheet.

On the surface: cool as a cucumber. On the inside: squirrel in traffic.

·       Sometimes, I question my sanity. But the Unicorn in the kitchen told me I’m fine.

·       He told me I was delusional. I nearly fell off my Unicorn.

·        Always be yourself. Unless you can be a Unicorn then always be a Unicorn.

Dogs:

·      Love is a 4-legged word.

·       I don’t care who dies in a movie. As long, as the dog lives.

·     I’m in a really good place right now. Not emotionally or spiritually. Just on the sofa with the dog.

·       Love is how excited your dog gets when you come home.

Aging Gracefully

 

·      Went to an antique show and people were bidding on me.

·       At my funeral take the bouquet off my coffin and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.

·       The adult version of “head, shoulders, knees and toes” is “wallet, glasses, keys and phone.”

·       My body is a temple. Ancient and crumbling, probably cursed or haunted.

·       Born to be wild…until 9 p.m.

·       Retirement To-Do List: Wake up. Nailed it!

·       I do my own stunts, but never intentionally.

·      Over what hill? I don’t remember any hill.

·       I thought the dryer made my clothes shrink. Turns out it was the refrigerator.

·       Sometimes it takes me all day to get nothing done.

·       The Golden Years have come at last! I cannot pee, I cannot see, my budget shrinks, my memory stinks. The Golden Years can kiss my ass!

·       I came, I saw, I forgot what I was doing. Retraced my steps, got lost on the way back. Now I have no idea what’s going on.

·       Don’t grow up, it’s a trap.

·        I don’t have grey hair. I have wisdom highlights.

·        Go braless…it will pull the wrinkles out of your face!

Attitude:

·       A fun thing to do in the morning is not talk to me.

·      Don’t talk to me while I’m texting. That’s rude.

·      THINK. It’s not illegal yet.

·       I didn’t mean to push all your buttons. I was just looking for mute.

·       Well aren’t we just 2 scoops of grumpy in a bowl full of bitchy this morning?

·       I’m grateful my thoughts don’t appear in a bubble over my head.

·       This whiskey tastes like I’m about to tell you how I really feel.

·       Sometimes I have inside jokes with myself.

·       I’m a multitasker. I can listen, ignore and forget. All at the same time!

·      Common sense is not a gift. It’s a punishment. Because you have to deal with everyone who doesn’t have it.

·      I’ll get over it. I just need to be dramatic first.

·       So apparently, I have attitude.

·       This is my happy face.

·       I had my patience tested. I’m negative.

·      I’ll see your hot mess and raise you a walking disaster.

·       I’m not mean, I’m brutally honest. It’s not my fault truth hurts. Here’s a band aid.

·      I don’t have ducks. I don’t have a row. I have squirrels and they’re drunk.

·       I don’t care what people think of me. I’m busy. I’ve got MAGICAL shit to do.

·        It only takes one slow-walking person in the grocery store TO DESTROY THE ILLUSION THAT I’M A NICE PERSON.

 If I give you a straw, will you suck the fun out of someone ELSE’S DAY?

 

Statements of Truth:

·       If you’re happy and you know it, it’s your meds.

·      Never trust an atom. They make up everything.

·       Scientists say the universe is made up of protons, neutrons, and electrons. They forgot to mention morons.

·       Sometimes it takes me all day to get nothing done.

·       If at first, you don’t succeed try again. And skydiving is not for you.

·       Every once in a while, someone amazing comes along…and here I am.

·       My wife says I only have two faults. I don’t listen and something else.

·      Don’t judge me by my relatives.

·       Of course, size matters. No one wants a small glass of wine.

·       Wine flies when you’re having fun.

·        I only talk to myself because I listen.

·       Dust once. It came back. Not falling for that again.

·       Camping: Where you spend a small fortune, to live like a homeless person.

·       The more you weight, the harder you are to kidnap. Stay Safe. Eat Cake.

·       The 12-step chocoholics program. Never be more than 12 steps away from chocolate.

·        If you can’t remember my name, just say “Chocolate” and I’ll turn around.

·        Line dancing was started by women waiting to use the bathroom.

·        To me “drink responsibly” means don’t spill it.

·       Today I was a hero! I rescued some beer that was trapped in a bottle.

·       My GPS says, “estimated time of arrival.” I see “time to beat” and the game is on…

·      I hate it when the voices in my head go silent…I never know what they are planning.

·       I have a daughter. I also have a gun, a shovel and an alibi.

·       Being an adult is like folding a fitted sheet.

·        On the surface: cool as a cucumber. On the inside: squirrel in traffic.