The Bank Robbery

I wrote this fiction piece from a writing prompt I found in the book “642 Things to Write About” by the San Francisco Writers’ Grotto.

Damn it! I’m running late to my dentist appointment. I have no time to be part of a bank robbery. What were these people thinking? Holding up a bank at 10:30 a.m. on a Wednesday morning? Didn’t they know people had plans? 

They insisted that we all lie down on the floor and not move. I’m wearing a short-sleeved shirt and capris and lying on a cold stone floor is extremely uncomfortable. Is this really necessary? Couldn’t they have planned this at a better time such as during the winter when I would be wearing a warm coat with leggings and boots?

Plus, I was told to keep my head down and not move. Are you kidding me? Did I mention the damn floor is freezing? I’m so cold, I’m shaking. I must tell the bank staff that their cleaning crew is not doing a thorough enough job. There are dust bunnies everywhere.

I just don’t believe this! One of the bank robbers is wearing a pair of Keds designed by Taylor Swift. They are classy with a figure of a cat’s head on the heel of the shoe and they are very pricey. Could she be robbing the bank to help pay for her shoe fetish? 

I just realized why this situation seems so odd. All three robbers are female. How unusual. Should I mention to the one robber that her socks are two different shades of red? Think she’d be offended?

They are now asking for all our jewelry, money, and cell phones. The one wearing purple high tops is gathering all of our possessions. What about robbing the bank instead of us? Isn’t that the whole purpose of a bank robbery?

The alarm just started going off and that is making all three very jittery. Did I mention they were carrying guns? I hope they are NRA members and have had lessons on the proper technique of holding and using firearms. As we all know, guns can be very dangerous in the hands of someone who doesn’t know what the hell they are doing. I pray that they have some type of experience and don’t start shooting because the damned alarm is making them so nervous.

Finally, after three hours something finally happens. All of a sudden, they are asking us to stand in a tight circle facing outward and to slowly start walking out the front door. Hey, don’t they know there is a squad of men with loaded guns right outside the door? I don’t know about anyone else, but I don’t want to be considered a moving target. Well, I guess I have no choice at this point. I’m not the one holding a loaded gun. I do what I’m told.

Just as the last of us squeezes out the doorway, a string of firecrackers goes off.  One of the robbers had set them off. We all go running in different directions, screaming our heads off, causing quite a disruption which is what our three wanted. In all of the confusion, they got away.

Afterwards, the police were taking descriptions of the robbers. I was able to tell the officer that one of the robbers was wearing black Doc Martins and had a husky voice. The one wearing Taylor Swift’s Keds had a whiny-baby sounding voice. And, the one in the purple high tops with the red socks had a very southern accent and had a slight limp.

The fact that the robbers were female made national news. Other than that, they were never found after taking all of our jewelry and the money from the bank. They did leave our cell phones behind so at least I’m still functional. Unfortunately, I’m missing a lot of bling.

P.S. – I was in the grocery store recently and looked over at this nicely dressed young woman wearing a pair of Taylor Swift Keds – could she have been one of the three bank robbers? I will never know.

The End!

I'm just a Guppy in Shark Infested Waters!

I first published this story in May of 2014. When re-reading this, it made me aware that there have been so many negative people in my life. I seem to attract individuals who are harmful to my well being. 

I know -- a psychiatrist would have a field day delving into my life to find out why this happens. I've been in and out of therapy for years and have never understood my ability to attract individuals who are as damaged as I am. I do know that they lash out at me due to their own complicated personal issues. With that said, I always blame myself for their actions by thinking I have done something to cause them to go off on me.

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I’m lacking in self-confidence, big time. I’ve known this since I was seven-years old. It’s hard to believe I can be good at anything when there have been so many individuals throughout my life who have constantly disagreed on that point. Okay, here’s a list of things that I don’t have the ability to do thanks to my gene pool or being hit on the head one time too many:

• My ability to sing, carry a tune, hum or whistle is abysmal. Remembering the words to a song, much less the title, isn’t in my realm. Mary hears music in her head. I just hear static.

• When it came to school sports, I was always picked to sit on the sidelines for whatever activity, even when it came to jumping on the trampoline. Volleyball, basketball, baseball… words I learned to fear. My ability to run has always been questionable, and now with two bad knees... I don’t know if given the opportunity to “run with the bulls in Pamploma” that I could. Is that a basketball team or a sports drink?

• My coordination is so off, it’s hilarious. My ability to use a fly swatter is sad. The creature has already flown around my head twice and made it to other side of the room by the time the swatter even hits the wall. Skipping, jumping, galloping, even dancing … I look like I’m listing to the side in very rough seas.

• I don’t know how to make money and keep it for a rainy day. I do know how to spend money and buy a Jones of New York raincoat. I just want to point out that it was on sale! And, 12 years later I'm still wearing it.

• I have a hard time remembering faces and names, even my own. The other day someone said, “Hi Sharon.” I don’t know who she was and still don’t. I did point out how beautiful her haircut was.  She did say “When you last saw me, it was long”. That was a helpful hint. Not!

• Everyone around me is talking about singers, songs, sports, twitter, hash tags, and I’m just lost. I’m still trying to figure out Facebook and I’ve had an account for ten years.

• My ability to think on my feet just doesn’t work. I’m must be flat footed. Do I need arch supports? Though I can be spontaneous with a week’s notice.

Here’s something I do extremely well -- I’m bait for sharks. That’s the best way I can explain my life. A little blood in the water (my lack of self-confidence) swirling around me and everyone sprints for the chum. Complete strangers start berating me in elevators, street corners, grocery store aisles. Co-workers will huddle and come at me en masse. It’s like being hit by a linebacker. My own parents even blamed me for their IRS audit when I was eight years old!

So, here’s my solution about the sharks – I’ll just become a guppy. They are small and a shark couldn’t even see them much less feel them. I could flow right around their teeth and I wouldn’t get hurt. That’s a nice thought, not realistic, but still… a possibility.

Until the next time...

Color by Number

I’m a counter. I keep track of the number of loads of laundry I do every week, the number of glasses of water I consume (using an app on my phone), and I keep the household finances. Numbers help me put my world in order. So here are a few numbers.

So far in my lifetime, I have lived on three Air Force Bases in two countries, and in seven states plus the District of Columbia. Within those seven states, I’ve lived in 14 cities. I’ve held 25 jobs since graduating from College. My first job lasted three days and my longest-held job was 12 years.

From the age 19 to 49, I dated more than a few men and married three of them. And all three became ex-husbands. Thankfully, since 2003, I’ve been in one relationship for 16 years.

I find these facts and figures fascinating. When I was growing up in Lincoln, Nebraska, had I been told about the various types of numbers I would accumulate over the years, I would have been dumbfounded. If I had looked into a crystal ball, I never would have believed everything that actually occurred in my life. First of all, I truly believed I would live in Nebraska for my entire life, marry one man and live happily ever after. Oops…surprise! We know that definitely didn’t happen.

What did happen? Well … life did. I was given limited instructions from my parents on how to function; I went blindly forth into the world. Yes, I got lost many times, made some horribly bad decisions and I met a few individuals who were in serious need of long-term therapy. But along the way, good things did happen.

For many years, the sad memories far exceeded the happy ones. But in 2003, something extremely good happened along my journey. Mary came into my life. She was the first person to show me what unconditional love looked like. There was no master agenda, no drama, and no playbooks to be followed. What a lovely change. 

Since our lives have merged, things have happened, some good and some not.  And we have definitely accrued enough material for a long running sitcom. For me, to be loved by someone who wants the best for me, who gives me support, and who is willing to be my champion if deemed necessary, is just amazing. 

Until the next time...