Witticisms I've Collected along the Way - Chapter 4

I cannot take credit for these wonderful witticisms. I’ve collected these from others who have written them.

Unicorns:

·       Sometimes, I question my sanity. But the Unicorn in the kitchen told me I’m fine.

·       He told me I was delusional. I nearly fell off my Unicorn.

·        Always be yourself. Unless you can be a Unicorn then always be a Unicorn.

Dogs:

·      Love is a 4-legged word.

·       I don’t care who dies in a movie. As long, as the dog lives.

·     I’m in a really good place right now. Not emotionally or spiritually. Just on the sofa with the dog.

·       Love is how excited your dog gets when you come home.

Aging Gracefully

·      Went to an antique show and people were bidding on me.

·       At my funeral take the bouquet off my coffin and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.

·       The adult version of “head, shoulders, knees and toes” is “wallet, glasses, keys and phone.”

·       My body is a temple. Ancient and crumbling, probably cursed or haunted.

·       Born to be wild…until 9 p.m.

·       Retirement To-Do List: Wake up. Nailed it!

·       I do my own stunts, but never intentionally.

·      Over what hill? I don’t remember any hill.

·       I thought the dryer made my clothes shrink. Turns out it was the refrigerator.

·       Sometimes it takes me all day to get nothing done.

·       The Golden Years have come at last! I cannot pee, I cannot see, my budget shrinks, my memory stinks. The Golden Years can kiss my ass!

·       I came, I saw, I forgot what I was doing. Retraced my steps, got lost on the way back. Now I have no idea what’s going on.

·       Don’t grow up, it’s a trap.

·        I don’t have grey hair. I have wisdom highlights.

·        Go braless…it will pull the wrinkles out of your face!

Attitude:

·       A fun thing to do in the morning is not talk to me.

·      Don’t talk to me while I’m texting. That’s rude.

·      THINK. It’s not illegal yet.

·       I didn’t mean to push all your buttons. I was just looking for mute.

·       Well aren’t we just 2 scoops of grumpy in a bowl full of bitchy this morning?

·       I’m grateful my thoughts don’t appear in a bubble over my head.

·       This whiskey tastes like I’m about to tell you how I really feel.

·       Sometimes I have inside jokes with myself.

·       I’m a multitasker. I can listen, ignore and forget. All at the same time!

·      Common sense is not a gift. It’s a punishment. Because you have to deal with everyone who doesn’t have it.

·      I’ll get over it. I just need to be dramatic first.

·       So apparently, I have attitude.

·       This is my happy face.

·       I had my patience tested. I’m negative.

·      I’ll see your hot mess and raise you a walking disaster.

·       I’m not mean, I’m brutally honest. It’s not my fault truth hurts. Here’s a band aid.

·      I don’t have ducks. I don’t have a row. I have squirrels and they’re drunk.

·       I don’t care what people think of me. I’m busy. I’ve got MAGICAL shit to do.

·        It only takes one slow-walking person in the grocery store TO DESTROY THE ILLUSION THAT I’M A NICE PERSON.

·       If I give you a straw, will you suck the fun out of someone ELSE’S DAY?

Statements of Truth:

·       If you’re happy and you know it, it’s your meds.

·     If history repeats itself I am so getting a dinosaur.

·      Never trust an atom. They make up everything.

·       Scientists say the universe is made up of protons, neutrons, and electrons. They forgot to mention morons.

·       Sometimes it takes me all day to get nothing done.

·       If at first, you don’t succeed try again. And, skydiving is not for you.

·       Every once in awhile someone amazing comes along…and here I am.

·       My wife says I only have two faults. I don’t listen and something else…

·      Don’t judge me by my relatives.

·       Of course, size matters. No one wants a small glass of wine.

·       Wine flies when you’re having fun.

·        I only talk to myself because I listen.

·       Dust once. It came back. Not falling for that again.

·       Camping: Where you spend a small fortune, to live like a homeless person.

·       The more you weight, the harder you are to kidnap. Stay Safe. Eat Cake.

·       The 12-step chocoholics program. Never be more than 12 steps away from chocolate.

·        If you can’t remember my name, just say “Chocolate” and I’ll turn around.

·        Line dancing was started by women waiting to use the bathroom.

·        To me “drink responsibly” means don’t spill it.

·       Today I was a hero! I rescued some beer that was trapped in a bottle.

·       My GPS says, “estimated time of arrival.” I see “time to beat” and the game is on…

·      I hate it when the voices in my head go silent…I never know what they are planning.

·       I have a daughter. I also have a gun, a shovel and an alibi.

·       Being an adult is like folding a fitted sheet.

·        On the surface: cool as a cucumber. On the inside: squirrel in traffic.

Religi0us:

·       PRAYER – the world’s greatest wireless connection.

·        Moses was the first person with a tablet downloading data from the cloud.