I do not take credit for these wonderful witticisms. I’ve collected
them over the years from others who have written them.
Political Observations:
·
Remember back when Sarah Palin was the
craziest person in politics? GOOD TIMES.
·
Can we just admit we may have taken this
“ANYONE CAN GROW UP TO BE PRESIDENT” thing just a bit too far?
·
Trying To Pick My Favorite Politician is
like trying to decide which STD would be best for me.
·
BE CAREFUL When you blindly follow the
masses – sometimes the “M” is silent.
·
Elect a clown – expect a Circus
·
Not my Circus, Not my Monkeys
Diva
Statements:
·
OOPS…Did I roll my eyes out loud?
·
Clearly states DIVA on my birth certificate.
·
ADMIT IT – Life would be so boring without
me.
·
If I were WRONG don’t you THINK I’d know?
·
You couldn’t handle me even if I came with INSTRUCTIONS.
·
You know that little thing inside your head
that keeps you from saying things you shouldn’t? Yeah, I don’t have one of
those.
·
I can’t decide what pants to put on today:
smarty or fancy
·
MY FAVORITE COLORS ARE: Black, Dark Black,
Pitch Black, Pastel Black, Light Black, and Faded Black.
Aging
Gracefully:
·
Being cremated is my last hope for a
smoking, hot body!
·
I’m a - Wooden Spoon, Lead Paint, No Car
Seat, No Seat Belt, No Bike Helmet – Survivor!
·
If I’m ever on life support, unplug me.
Then plug me back in. See if that works.
·
The best thing about the good old days was that
I wasn’t good and I wasn’t old.
·
So when is this old enough to know better supposed
to kick in?
·
My glass is empty! QUICK! Call
Wine-One-One!
·
Physically I’m here, mentally I’m in a
Galaxy FAR FAR Away.
·
I don’t trip – I do random gravity checks.
·
I just did a week’s worth of cardio after
walking into a spider web.
·
I can’t believe HOW OLD people my age are.
·
IF I WOKE UP in the morning and nothing
hurt - I WOULD THINK I WAS DEAD.
·
Don’t grow up – it’s a trap.
·
Life is too short to waste time matching
socks.
·
I could be a morning person if morning
happened at noon.
·
I saw people through the window today.
That’s enough social interaction.
·
Never judge a book by its movie.
·
Wait! I do not snore! I dream I’m a
motorcycle!
·
Retired: Goodbye tension. Hello
pension.
Cats
& Dogs:
·
St. Catrick – Patron Saint of Crazy Cat
Ladies
·
I was normal three dogs back.
·
Life is short. Spoil your dog.
·
WHATEVER – My dog thinks I’m awesome.
·
I work hard so my dog can have a better
life
·
Dogs make me happy. Humans? Not so much.
·
RESCUED – is my favorite BREED
·
The journey of life is sweeter when
traveled with a dog.
·
LOVE is how excited your dog gets when you
come home.
·
Sometimes I meet people and feel bad for
their dog.
Statements
of Truth:
·
Around here, normal is just a setting on
the dryer.
·
In order to insult me, I must first value
your opinion…nice try though.
·
I’m beginning to think that for some of
you, the wheels on your bus do not go round & round.
· He said I was delusional, I nearly fell off
my unicorn.
·
It’s not that I’m immature. It’s just that you started it!
·
In my defense – I was left unsupervised.
·
I would like to thank my middle finger for
always sticking up for me when I need it.
·
I Think I Still Have Some Unfinished
Procrastinating To Do From Yesterday.
·
I’m the oldest - I make the rules.
·
I’m the middle – I’m the reason we have
rules.
·
I’m the youngest – the rules don’t apply to
me.
·
Project Manager – BECAUSE MIRACLE WORKER
ISN’T AN OFFICIAL JOB TITLE
·
SAWDUST IS MAN GLITTER
