Witticisms I’ve Collected Along the Way - Chapter 1

I do not take credit for these wonderful witticisms. I’ve collected them over the years from others who have written them.

  Political Observations:

·        Remember back when Sarah Palin was the craziest person in politics? GOOD TIMES.

·        Can we just admit we may have taken this “ANYONE CAN GROW UP TO BE PRESIDENT” thing just a bit too far?

·        Trying To Pick My Favorite Politician is like trying to decide which STD would be best for me.

·        BE CAREFUL When you blindly follow the masses – sometimes the “M” is silent.

·        Elect a clown – expect a Circus

·        Not my Circus, Not my Monkeys

Diva Statements:

·        OOPS…Did I roll my eyes out loud?

·        Clearly states DIVA on my birth certificate.

·        ADMIT IT – Life would be so boring without me.

·        If I were WRONG don’t you THINK I’d know?

·        You couldn’t handle me even if I came with INSTRUCTIONS.

·        You know that little thing inside your head that keeps you from saying things you shouldn’t? Yeah, I don’t have one of those.

·        I can’t decide what pants to put on today: smarty or fancy

·        MY FAVORITE COLORS ARE: Black, Dark Black, Pitch Black, Pastel Black, Light Black, and Faded Black.

Aging Gracefully:

·        Being cremated is my last hope for a smoking, hot body!

·        I’m a - Wooden Spoon, Lead Paint, No Car Seat, No Seat Belt, No Bike Helmet – Survivor!

·        If I’m ever on life support, unplug me. Then plug me back in. See if that works.

·        The best thing about the good old days was that I wasn’t good and I wasn’t old.

·        So when is this old enough to know better supposed to kick in?

·        My glass is empty! QUICK! Call Wine-One-One!

·        Physically I’m here, mentally I’m in a Galaxy FAR FAR Away.

·        I don’t trip – I do random gravity checks.

·        I just did a week’s worth of cardio after walking into a spider web.

·        I can’t believe HOW OLD people my age are.

·        IF I WOKE UP in the morning and nothing hurt - I WOULD THINK I WAS DEAD.

·        Don’t grow up – it’s a trap.

·        Life is too short to waste time matching socks.

·        I could be a morning person if morning happened at noon.

·        I saw people through the window today. That’s enough social interaction.

·        Never judge a book by its movie.

·        Wait! I do not snore! I dream I’m a motorcycle!

·        Retired: Goodbye tension. Hello pension. 

Cats & Dogs:

·        St. Catrick – Patron Saint of Crazy Cat Ladies

·        I was normal three dogs back.

·        Life is short. Spoil your dog.

·        WHATEVER – My dog thinks I’m awesome.

·        I work hard so my dog can have a better life

·        Dogs make me happy. Humans? Not so much.

·        RESCUED – is my favorite BREED

·        The journey of life is sweeter when traveled with a dog.

·        LOVE is how excited your dog gets when you come home.

·        Sometimes I meet people and feel bad for their dog. 

Statements of Truth:

·        Around here, normal is just a setting on the dryer.

·        In order to insult me, I must first value your opinion…nice try though.

·        I’m beginning to think that for some of you, the wheels on your bus do not go round & round.

·        He said I was delusional, I nearly fell off my unicorn.

·        It’s not that I’m immature. It’s just that you started it!

·        In my defense – I was left unsupervised.

·        I would like to thank my middle finger for always sticking up for me when I need it.

·        I Think I Still Have Some Unfinished Procrastinating To Do From Yesterday.

·        I’m the oldest - I make the rules.

·        I’m the middle – I’m the reason we have rules.

·        I’m the youngest – the rules don’t apply to me.

·        Project Manager – BECAUSE MIRACLE WORKER ISN’T AN OFFICIAL JOB TITLE

·        SAWDUST IS MAN GLITTER