Witticisms I've Collected along the Way - Chapter 5

 

I cannot take credit for these wonderful witticisms. I’ve collected these from others who have written them.

 

·        Wi-Fi went down for five minutes, so I had to talk to my family. They seem like nice people. 

·        Sometimes I wonder what happened to the people who asked me for directions. 

·        Just once, I want a username and password prompt to say, “Close Enough.”

 

·        I think I may need professional help…a chef, a butler and a maid should do it.

·        They told me I’d grow out of my awkwardness after middle school. Still waiting.

 Don’t rush me. I’m waiting for the last minute.

 

·       It takes real skills to choke on air, fall up the stairs and trip over nothing. I have those skills.

 

·        No, I didn’t lose my mind. It got scared and ran away.

 

·        Common sense is not a gift. It’s a punishment. Because you must deal with everyone who doesn’t have it.

 

·        It’s not drinking alone if the dog is here.

 

·        Have you ever looked at your family and thought well aren’t we just two clowns short of a circus?

 

·        There’s no need to repeat yourself. I ignored you just fine the first time.

 

·        I’m a multitasker. I can listen, ignore, and forget. All at the same time!

 

·        Since there is only one of me. Does that make me endangered or a limited edition?

 

·        Make lies wrong again.

 

·        I thought about running away more as an adult than I did as a child.

 

·        People who wonder if the glass is half-empty or half-full miss the point. The glass is refillable.

 

·        Remember when we had to smack the TV because the channel wasn’t coming in clearly? I feel that way about some people.

 

·        Losing weight doesn’t seem to be working for me. From now on I’m going to concentrate on getting taller.

 

·        Some people need a shock collar, and I need the remote.

 

·        Underestimate me. That’ll be fun.

 

·        Sometimes I talk to myself, then we both laugh and laugh.

 

·        I have red hair because God knew I needed a warning label.

 

·        It’s not my fault you didn’t read the fine print. I came with a warning label.

 

·        I bake because punching people is frowned upon.

 

·        I do yoga, just kidding. I drink wine in yoga pants.

 

·        When you can find the sunshine be the sunshine.

 

·        My favorite sport is tracking my online orders.

 

·        My doctor asked if anyone in my family suffers from mental illness. I said “No, we all seem to enjoy it.

 

·        Always late but worth the wait.

 

·        FREE HUGS…just kidding, don’t touch me.

 

·        I’m sorry I’m so cranky. I’m in my terrible 60’s right now.

 

·        Hold on. Let me overthink this.

 

·        Who let me adult? I can’t adult!

 

·        I’m on a nut free diet…I avoid people who drive me nuts.

 

·        Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach. And now I’m the proud owner of Aisle 6.

 

·        That’s a horrible idea. What time?

 

·        I’m not getting old. I just can’t remember stuff because my brain is full.

 

·        Some days I amaze myself. Other days I leave my keys in the fridge.

 

·        THINK. It’s not illegal yet.

 

·    One minute you’re young and fun. And the next, you’re turning down the car stereo to see better.

 

·        I can’t. I won’t Don’t ask me.

 

·        I like to smile at people who don’t like me.

 

·        I used to be able to do cartwheels. Now I tip over putting on my underwear.

 

·        I may look calm, but in my head, I’ve punched you in the face three times.

 

·        No matter how bad it gets, I’m always rich at the dollar store.

 

·        Lazy is such an ugly word…I prefer the term selective participation.

 

·        A dog accepts you as the boss…a cat wants to see your resume.

 

·        Crazy cat lady? I prefer dedicated feline enthusiast.

 

·        My goal in life is to piss off at least one person a day. So far, I’m about four years ahead of schedule.

 

·        You can’t scare me. I’m a nurse and I worked through a freaking pandemic.

 

·        If I was a bird, I know who I’d shit on.

 

·        If you think I’m short, you should see my patience…

 

·        Being an adult is the dumbest thing I have ever done.

 

·        No, your right. Let’s do it the dumbest way possible.

 

·        Being a functional adult every day seems a bit excessive.

 

·        Mister Rogers did not adequately prepare me for the people in my neighborhood.

 

·        My favorite essential oil is bacon grease.

 

·        You think it’s bad now? In 20 years, our country will be run by people who were homeschooled by day drinkers.

 

·        My heart says chocolate and wine but my jeans say, "For the love of God woman, eat a salad!"

 

·        Common sense is not a gift. It’s punishment. Because you must deal with everyone who doesn’t have it.

 

·        SCIENCE doesn’t care what you believe.

 

·        I’m not sarcastic. I’m just intelligent beyond your understanding.

 

·        I don’t always roll a joint, but when I do it’s my ankle.

 

·        I meant to behave but there were too many other options.

 

·        Not bossy. Aggressively helpful.

 

·        You know that little thing inside your head that keeps you from saying things you shouldn’t? Yeah. I don’t have one of those.

 

·        I disappear into books what’s your superpower?

 

·        Some people are like clouds, once they disappear it’s a beautiful day.

Miss Gracie's Gotcha Day!

 I woke up on the morning of July 2, 2019, not knowing I would be the proud owner of a Sheltie puppy by 3:15 that afternoon. Miss Gracie came to me at 8-weeks old and weighed in at whopping 3.6 lbs. What a bundle of joy!

She was full of mischief and destruction all wrapped up in one furry package. I said “No” so often that I’m was afraid she would grow up believing her name was “No Miss Gracie!”

For your entertainment, here is a list of hi-jinx that warranted a “No.”

·        Don’t chew on Mommy!

·        Don’t bite the wheels on the vacuum!

·        Don’t chomp on Fast Eddie’s tail!

·        Don’t eat the carpet!

·        Don’t eat the leg on the coffee table!

·        Don’t eat the pine cones! 

·        Don’t eat the wood off the closet door!

·        Don’t pee on the…carpet!

·        Don’t pee on the…floor!

·        Don’t pee on the…rugs!

·        Drop it!

·        Stop digging up the mulch in the flower garden!

·        Stop eating the fringe on the oriental rug!

·        Stop eating the wall!

·        Stop licking the electrical outlets!

·        That’s not yours!

This was what our daily life was like in the beginning. And, we are so blessed that she came into our lives when she did.

Until the next time…

Not at Our Capitol

Random thoughts that have been running through my mind since the takeover and sacrilege of the United States Capitol on January 6, 2021:

We’ve become a third-world nation,

 Domestic terrorists live among us,

Desecration of our Capitol,

The need to hold Trump accountable for his lies and misinformation regarding Charlottesville, Ukraine, and recently Georgia.

Social Media – Trump’s lies, his belief in fake news, the hateful things he says about people who are not aligned with his mindset. His willingness to be associated with QAnon. All of this and more he willingly shares on his Twitter and Facebook accounts.

Per Wikipedia “QAnon is a disproven and discredited far-right conspiracy theory alleging that a cabal of Satan-worshipping pedophiles is running a global child sex-trafficking ring and plotting against US President Donald Trump who is fighting the cabal.”

* * * * * * * * *

Since watching our Capitol being attacked, I have had the need to write about my feelings which means it ends up in my blog. I have been so close to crying my eyes out, yet a stronger feeling has been stopping me. I feel shattered, that any American could be a part of the desecration of a symbol of democracy here in the United States. These people who participated in this heinous act are domestic terrorists and not Americans.

* * * * * * * * *

This is a Facebook posting from a friend. “Since yesterday's armed insurrection in our nation’s capital, I've seen several friends trying to reconcile that event with their Republican friends and family.

I've seen posts claiming that not all Republicans condone those actions and that we shouldn't judge all Republicans by a small group of extremists. To those friends I have this to say. You are incredibly naive. If your friends and family voted for Trump in 2020, they voted for a man who claimed even before the election that if he lost it would be due to "massive voter fraud".

They voted for a man who fanned the flames of insurrection over the past four years at his rallies. They voted for a man who, in the first televised debate of 2020, not only refused to denounce white supremacy, but called out a white supremacy group by name and told them to "stand back and stand by".

Trump voters tacitly condoned the actions in our nation’s capital yesterday. They were completely comfortable with white supremacy, children in cages and the deaths of over 380,000 Americans because the Republican administration refused to organize a national response to the pandemic after declaring a state of emergency in March. Stop trying to defend horrible people.

 

* * * * * * * * *

What is democracy? 

“Democracy: “a) government by the people esp. rule of the majority b) a government in which the supreme power is vested in the people and exercised by them directly or indirectly through a system of representation usually involving periodically held free elections.”

 The opposite of democracy?

“Autocratic leadership is just the opposite of democratic. These leaders tell others exactly what they want done, and assume full responsibility for the results. There is no consultation. The leader speaks and expects absolute obedience.”

This last sentence sums up what happened. Trump told his supporters to swarm the Capitol in defiance of the election results. He was hoping for what? That they would hold members of Congress and Senate hostage? Or they would blow up the Capitol? Burn the electoral votes? Why? So, he could finally have complete control of our government and fulfill his desire to become a Dictator like his friend Putin.

The attack on our national Capitol will be a date that many will remember for years to come. Just as the events of Pearl Harbor, the assassination of John F. Kennedy, and 9/11, will live in infamy, so will January 6, 2021.