Witticisms I've Collected along the Way - Chapter 5

 

I cannot take credit for these wonderful witticisms. I’ve collected these from others who have written them.

 

·        Wi-Fi went down for five minutes, so I had to talk to my family. They seem like nice people. 

·        Sometimes I wonder what happened to the people who asked me for directions. 

·        Just once, I want a username and password prompt to say, “Close Enough.”

 

·        I think I may need professional help…a chef, a butler and a maid should do it.

·        They told me I’d grow out of my awkwardness after middle school. Still waiting.

 Don’t rush me. I’m waiting for the last minute.

 

·       It takes real skills to choke on air, fall up the stairs and trip over nothing. I have those skills.

 

·        No, I didn’t lose my mind. It got scared and ran away.

 

·        Common sense is not a gift. It’s a punishment. Because you must deal with everyone who doesn’t have it.

 

·        It’s not drinking alone if the dog is here.

 

·        Have you ever looked at your family and thought well aren’t we just two clowns short of a circus?

 

·        There’s no need to repeat yourself. I ignored you just fine the first time.

 

·        I’m a multitasker. I can listen, ignore, and forget. All at the same time!

 

·        Since there is only one of me. Does that make me endangered or a limited edition?

 

·        Make lies wrong again.

 

·        I thought about running away more as an adult than I did as a child.

 

·        People who wonder if the glass is half-empty or half-full miss the point. The glass is refillable.

 

·        Remember when we had to smack the TV because the channel wasn’t coming in clearly? I feel that way about some people.

 

·        Losing weight doesn’t seem to be working for me. From now on I’m going to concentrate on getting taller.

 

·        Some people need a shock collar, and I need the remote.

 

·        Underestimate me. That’ll be fun.

 

·        Sometimes I talk to myself, then we both laugh and laugh.

 

·        I have red hair because God knew I needed a warning label.

 

·        It’s not my fault you didn’t read the fine print. I came with a warning label.

 

·        I bake because punching people is frowned upon.

 

·        I do yoga, just kidding. I drink wine in yoga pants.

 

·        When you can find the sunshine be the sunshine.

 

·        My favorite sport is tracking my online orders.

 

·        My doctor asked if anyone in my family suffers from mental illness. I said “No, we all seem to enjoy it.

 

·        Always late but worth the wait.

 

·        FREE HUGS…just kidding, don’t touch me.

 

·        I’m sorry I’m so cranky. I’m in my terrible 60’s right now.

 

·        Hold on. Let me overthink this.

 

·        Who let me adult? I can’t adult!

 

·        I’m on a nut free diet…I avoid people who drive me nuts.

 

·        Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach. And now I’m the proud owner of Aisle 6.

 

·        That’s a horrible idea. What time?

 

·        I’m not getting old. I just can’t remember stuff because my brain is full.

 

·        Some days I amaze myself. Other days I leave my keys in the fridge.

 

·        THINK. It’s not illegal yet.

 

·    One minute you’re young and fun. And the next, you’re turning down the car stereo to see better.

 

·        I can’t. I won’t Don’t ask me.

 

·        I like to smile at people who don’t like me.

 

·        I used to be able to do cartwheels. Now I tip over putting on my underwear.

 

·        I may look calm, but in my head, I’ve punched you in the face three times.

 

·        No matter how bad it gets, I’m always rich at the dollar store.

 

·        Lazy is such an ugly word…I prefer the term selective participation.

 

·        A dog accepts you as the boss…a cat wants to see your resume.

 

·        Crazy cat lady? I prefer dedicated feline enthusiast.

 

·        My goal in life is to piss off at least one person a day. So far, I’m about four years ahead of schedule.

 

·        You can’t scare me. I’m a nurse and I worked through a freaking pandemic.

 

·        If I was a bird, I know who I’d shit on.

 

·        If you think I’m short, you should see my patience…

 

·        Being an adult is the dumbest thing I have ever done.

 

·        No, your right. Let’s do it the dumbest way possible.

 

·        Being a functional adult every day seems a bit excessive.

 

·        Mister Rogers did not adequately prepare me for the people in my neighborhood.

 

·        My favorite essential oil is bacon grease.

 

·        You think it’s bad now? In 20 years, our country will be run by people who were homeschooled by day drinkers.

 

·        My heart says chocolate and wine but my jeans say, "For the love of God woman, eat a salad!"

 

·        Common sense is not a gift. It’s punishment. Because you must deal with everyone who doesn’t have it.

 

·        SCIENCE doesn’t care what you believe.

 

·        I’m not sarcastic. I’m just intelligent beyond your understanding.

 

·        I don’t always roll a joint, but when I do it’s my ankle.

 

·        I meant to behave but there were too many other options.

 

·        Not bossy. Aggressively helpful.

 

·        You know that little thing inside your head that keeps you from saying things you shouldn’t? Yeah. I don’t have one of those.

 

·        I disappear into books what’s your superpower?

 

·        Some people are like clouds, once they disappear it’s a beautiful day.