Labels are for Cans

I grew up in Nebraska during the 70’s. Three things were important: Being a Republican; knowing that the Cornhusker football team was the only University team that existed; and worshiping Johnny Carson. By the way, he grew up in Norfolk, Nebraska, attended the University of Nebraska and ended up on national television for over 30 years.

What else is there?  Not much. I lived in an environment that assumed you would marry the first guy you ever kissed, that you would raise your children in a house with a white picket fence and live happily ever after.

I do live in a house with a white picket fence adorned by the way, with red-metal stars. I am raising kids - they just happen to have four-furry legs. I am living with the first and only woman I’ve ever kissed, and we are living happily ever after. By the way, I am no longer a Republican.

In my various careers, I have worked at two co-educational Universities, The Ohio State University and The University of Virginia. Neither prepared me for Smith College. I have grown and learned so much from the Smithies that I’ve come to know over the years.

I’ve learned that labels are for cans and not people. That women come in many colors (a woman of color) and, “fluidity” has nothing to do with liquid in a glass. I am fascinated by the concept of “fluidity.”

When I first came out at the age of 49, I had a lot of misconceptions about what it meant to be a Lesbian. Obviously, I had spent far too many years hanging out in Nebraska as a Republican. One major misconception of mine was that two women when in a relationship consisted of one being butch and the other being femme. The male/female stereotype strikes again. Hey, give a gal a break. I was new at this.

In my new state of being, having left one world and entered another, I made certain assumptions. One is that once you made the “great leap” that was it. Looking back, that thought is so ridiculous. What was I thinking??? Fluidity is not a label. It is a statement of being…one’s true self.

Until next time…

Jason's Girl

This is the second in a series of short fiction that I've written.

Our family is probably like any other, with its quirks and oddballs. But my cousin Riley was plain baffling.

Riley was known to take a huge amount of time to make any kind of decision. From choosing a new hair style to even picking out what to eat for lunch, consumed hours of deliberation on her part. But saying “yes” to Jason's proposal in a single heartbeat was just mind blowing.

Jason is the guy Riley dated for eight years before he finally popped the question. What does that say about how he truly felt about their relationship? Why did it take him that long to figure out he had an amazing, loving woman in his life? The guy was a loser, and everybody knew it except for Riley.

From the very first, everyone was at a loss in understanding the attraction between the two of them. For starters, Riley is 5’11” to Jason’s 5’6”. She has flaming red curly hair and he has a receding hairline. She has her Ph.D. in Medieval History and he has a bachelors’ degree in Political Science. She has the first dollar she ever earned, and he spent his first dollar the moment he earned it. Just what is the attraction?

Riley never saw herself as someone who would spark interest from anyone. She always felt awkward because of her height and because of her brilliant mind. She felt relieved when Jason came along and showed some interest.

Jason, on the other hand, majored in drinking and credit card debt and was lucky to have received a degree since he rarely attended classes. He scored when he met Riley. They have been living together for the past seven years and in all those years, Jason has never paid rent.

His logic was that Riley made so much more than he did, that it only made sense that she foot the bills. Riley just accepted his stupid logic and smiled lovingly at him. He was, and still is, using her and she just doesn’t see it!

We, as family and friends, felt an intervention was necessary to keep this marriage from happening. The question is how to make someone like Riley see the error of her snap decision?

Her birthday was coming up soon and one of our cousins suggested using a cake and ice cream birthday party as a ruse to get Riley in the same room with everyone. Cousin Marv just wanted free cake, and this was an easy way for him to get some. Riley’s mother, Victoria, thought that holding a make-believe dinner party would be a way to get Riley to come over to the house, just in case she was on a diet and would refuse the cake idea.

The reality of all of this is that Riley wasn’t going to be able to process any suggestions made without it taking several days to think about it. That is just the way she is. The entire family knows this. But it doesn’t fit into what they believe is the appropriate timetable to discuss, much less to make, an earth shattering decision such as dumping Jason. He’s so badly thought of in the family that I’m surprised Cousin Vinny hasn’t been asked to resolve the situation. Personally, I think having him involved solves the Jason issue.

That would give Riley appropriate time to mourn for a deceased finance and relieve us all of any obligation to stop the wedding. Discussion was then held on who was going to pay Cousin Vinny to do the deed. I said, “he’s family, and family doesn’t charge one another when assistance as drastic as this is needed”. Everyone agreed with me and the suggestion was made that I should be the one to contact him.

Though this is an excellent idea for getting rid of Jason, what happens if something goes wrong? I just don’t look good in orange. Everyone agreed that orange does not go well with my complexion, but that didn’t change their minds about who should contact Cousin Vinny  

Cousin Vinny is an interesting character. He loves parties, he’s crazy for kittens and he holds the door open when a date gets in his car. He’s a nice guy. Problem is he never talks about what he does for a living and there is good reason for that. He’s not a baker or used car salesman. He kills people for a living. That’s just what he does. He never talks about his profession and everyone knows better than to ask.

Contacting Cousin Vinny is nerve racking. You have to text him and wait. Once he replies, he gives a location where to meet him. The last time I met him was in a bar and this time it was at a park. One has to wait about 15 minutes at the chosen location so he can case the area to make sure that there are no cops around.

I explained to Cousin Vinny about the situation with Riley and Jason. He remembers Riley from when she was a little girl. He agrees that the situation of Jason using Riley wasn’t good. Cousin Vinny is intimidating due to his size so talking to Jason could scare him off. That would give Jason a chance not to get killed. He said he’d find Jason and have that little talk with him. If that didn’t work out, then there is always the other option.

In the meanwhile, I got an unexpected phone call from Riley. She told me she knows that Jason uses her and that he spends way too much time away from her on weekends hanging out with the guys. But she cares for him and the family needs to know that. She went on to say that she is happy with their arrangement and she can see herself married to him for a lifetime. I was rather stunned that first, she would call me, and second, that she would pour out her heart to me.

So, I now find myself in a predicament. Should I stop Cousin Vinny from his plans (which would make the family unhappy)? Or should I reflect on Riley’s heartfelt feelings regarding Jason?

I’m stumped, I want Riley happy, but I want to keep the peace within the family as well and I just don’t know what to do. It’s a hard call. I do not know what to do about this conundrum.

Update:

I told the family about Riley’s feelings and told them to let it go and see what happens down the line. Ends up that Riley got cold feet about the engagement and called it off. She also kicked Jason out of her apartment. The last we heard about Jason, he was couch surfing among his friends.

Until the next time...