I first published this story in May of 2014. When re-reading this, it made me aware that there have been so many negative people in my life. I seem to attract individuals who are harmful to my well being.
I know -- a psychiatrist would have a field day delving into my life to find out why this happens. I've been in and out of therapy for years and have never understood my ability to attract individuals who are as damaged as I am. I do know that they lash out at me due to their own complicated personal issues. With that said, I always blame myself for their actions by thinking I have done something to cause them to go off on me.
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I’m lacking in self-confidence, big time. I’ve known this since I was seven-years old. It’s hard to believe I can be good at anything when there have been so many individuals throughout my life who have constantly disagreed on that point. Okay, here’s a list of things that I don’t have the ability to do thanks to my gene pool or being hit on the head one time too many:
- My ability to sing, carry a tune, hum or whistle is abysmal. Remembering the words to a song, much less the title, isn’t in my realm. Mary hears music in her head. I just hear static.
- When it came to school sports, I was always picked to sit on the sidelines for whatever activity, even when it came to jumping on the trampoline. Volleyball, basketball, baseball… words I learned to fear. My ability to run has always been questionable, and now with two bad knees... I don’t know if given the opportunity to “run with the bulls in Pamploma” that I could. Is that a basketball team or a sports drink?
- My coordination is so off, it’s hilarious. My ability to use a fly swatter is sad. The creature has already flown around my head twice and made it to other side of the room by the time the swatter even hits the wall. Skipping, jumping, galloping, even dancing … I look like I’m listing to the side in very rough seas.
- I don’t know how to make money and keep it for a rainy day. I do know how to spend money and buy a Jones of New York raincoat. I just want to point out that it was on sale! And, 12 years later I'm still wearing it.
- I have a hard time remembering faces and names, even my own. The other day someone said, “Hi Sharon.” I don’t know who she was and still don’t. I did point out how beautiful her haircut was. She did say “When you last saw me, it was long”. That was a helpful hint. Not!
- Everyone around me is talking about singers, songs, sports, twitter, hash tags, and I’m just lost. I’m still trying to figure out Facebook and I’ve had an account for ten years.
- My ability to think on my feet just doesn’t work. I’m must be flat footed. Do I need arch supports? Though I can be spontaneous with a week’s notice.
Here’s something I do extremely well -- I’m bait for sharks. That’s the best way I can explain my life. A little blood in the water (my lack of self-confidence) swirling around me and everyone sprints for the chum. Complete strangers start berating me in elevators, street corners, grocery store aisles. Co-workers will huddle and come at me en masse. It’s like being hit by a linebacker. My own parents even blamed me for their IRS audit when I was eight years old!
So, here’s my solution about the sharks – I’ll just become a guppy. They are small and a shark couldn’t even see them much less feel them. I could flow right around their teeth and I wouldn’t get hurt. That’s a nice thought, not realistic, but still… a possibility.
Until the next time...
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