Ex-husband #2 - Happy Birthday

Dear Ex-husband #2,

Happy Birthday. You just turned 58. I met you when you were 22 and I was 28. A lot has happened since then.

I remember when you had your 25^th birthday. I hosted a surprise party for you. I invited all your classmates from your Master’s Program. I purchased food, drinks and party favors and I kept them at David and Karen’s apartment so you wouldn’t find them.  

My big mistake and the reason you never appreciated the party was the birthday cake. When I had ordered our wedding cake earlier that year, I had looked over what was available. I saw this cake shaped like a busty woman and thought it would make a funny birthday cake. I was wrong. You felt I had humiliated you in front of your friends. Remember that?

Some of the reasons you gave for the difficulties within our marriage, was that I was six years older and had more experiences than you had growing up in a small down in Ohio. This was true. I knew how to drive a manual transmission and I married the same guy twice.

You were horrified that your classmates would find out that piece of information. You wanted me to lie to everyone that my marriage to you was my first. Like after our marriage of 11 years, you told others that you had never been married.

Toward the end of our marriage, we saw a therapist who sided with you and made me out to be the bad one in our relationship. You sighted my various faults: my age; the way I conducted myself in front of your colleagues; and that I had dated many men, prior to you. The biggie which I did own up to, was my having an affair with a co-worker toward the end of our marriage.

Starting at year three of our relationship, I started saying that we should consider the idea of not staying married, due to the fact we were not compatible in so many ways. Through the years, whenever I would bring this up, you would always say it was because I was having my period. Really???

For me, it came down to money. We didn’t have a lot but what I earned wouldn’t have gotten me a room in the Washington, D.C. area. I made do with our circumstances and I kept on going for years. We had our good moments, but there were many that did not go well for me.

Such as:

·      Within days of our buying our first home, a duplex at the end of the Metro’s Yellow Line, you made the decision to move to California. There was a well-known architect that you wanted to intern for. Since you would be making a pittance, I was to stay behind and pay all our bills while you took our only car to make the trip. How I talked you out of that endeavor, I will never know.

·       When we were in that park off the Washington Parkway and were walking on a path that was overgrown with bushes. You were in the lead. When you heard barking dogs rushing toward us, you pushed me forward to protect yourself.

·       When I went to find the bathroom in the Burger King near the White House and I came back to find you surrounded by three men demanding money. You left it to me to get us out of that situation.

·       You felt that to represent your profession, you had to dress the part. This required expensive suits, ties and Cole Hann shoes. We managed these purchases because I limited my shopping of anything personal for myself.

·      We were riding the Metro into D.C. one day when you saw a group of your colleagues get on the train. You got up without an explanation and walked over to chat. You all exited together and you walked past where I was seated and I tapped on the window. You never acknowledged my existence.

Of course, these moments I experienced are the ones you chose not to mention to our therapist. But then neither did I. By then, I was too beaten down to defend myself. I should have spoken up and been my own advocate. I felt trapped and didn’t know how to get out of the relationship. I always knew the one thing that would end our relationship was to have an affair, which I did.

One of my biggest fears of being in a marriage, was being abandoned without the ability to financially take care of myself. That was my mother’s reasoning when she thought about leaving my father when I was five and so she didn’t. So early on in my relationship with you, I broached the subject about my fear of your leaving me for someone else. We agreed that if that happened, whoever had an affair would not benefit from the lifestyle we had created. What I never considered when I made that promise, that I would be the one to have the affair. You reminded me of that conversation and told me that I should do the honorable thing.

After 13 years of being in a relationship with you, I ended up leaving everything behind. I left with $100.  As you are aware, my mother financially helped me out or I would have been living in a homeless shelter or worse, on the streets. On second thought, that $100 gave me the freedom to move on with my life.

I know that you have moved on and have remarried just like I did. I hope you have given her all the things that you did not deem necessary for me to have.

Sincerely,

Your ex-wife #1