Witticisms I’ve Collected Along the Way - Chapter 2

I cannot take credit for these wonderful witticisms. I found almost all of these in the latest catalog that I recently received from Catalog Favorites.

Attitude

·        A fun thing to do in the morning is not talk to me.

·        I’ll see your hot mess and raise you a walking disaster.

·        I’m not mean, I’m brutally honest. It’s not my fault truth hurts. Here’s a band aid.

·        I don’t have ducks. I don’t have a row. I have squirrels and they’re drunk.

·        I don’t care what people think of me. I’m busy. I’ve got MAGICAL shit to do.

·        It only takes one slow-walking person in the grocery store TO DESTROY THE ILLUSION THAT I’M A NICE PERSON.

·        If I was a bird, I know who I’d shit on.

·        If I give you a straw, will you suck the fun out of someone ELSE’S DAY?

    Statements of Truth

·        If you’re happy and you know it, it’s your meds.

·        Dust once. It came back. Not falling for that again.

·        Camping: Where you spend a small fortune, to live like a homeless person.

·        The more you weight, the harder you are to kidnap. Stay Safe. Eat Cake.

·        The 12-step chocoholics program. Never be more than 12 steps away from chocolate.

·        If you can’t remember my name, just say “Chocolate” and I’ll turn around.

·        Line dancing was started by women waiting to use the bathroom.

·        To me “drink responsibly” means don’t spill it.

·        Today I was a hero! I rescued some beer that was trapped in a bottle.

·        My GPS says, “estimated time of arrival.” I see “time to beat” and the game is on…

·        My GPS has learned to say “your other left.”

·        I hate it when the voices in my head go silent…I never know what they are planning.

·        I have a daughter. I also have a gun, a shovel and a alibi.

·        Being an adult is like folding a fitted sheet.

·        On the surface: cool as a cucumber. On the inside: squirrel in traffic.

Aging Gracefully

·        My Bucket List: 1.) Keep Breathing.

·        Over what hill? I don’t remember any hill.

·        The older I get, the earlier it gets late.

·        I thought growing old would take longer.

·        The Golden Years have come at last! I cannot pee, I cannot see, my budget shrinks, my memory stinks. The Golden Years can kiss my ass!

·        I came, I saw, I forgot what I was doing. Retraced my steps, got lost on the way back. Now I have no idea what’s going on.

·        Don’t grow up, it’s a trap.

·        I don’t have grey hair. I have wisdom highlights.

·        Go braless…it will pull the wrinkles out of your face!

More Unicorn Tails

·       Sometimes, I question my sanity. But the Unicorn in the kitchen told me I’m fine.

·        He told be I was delusional. I nearly fell off my Unicorn.

·        Always be yourself. Unless you can be a Unicorn then always be a Unicorn.