Witticisms I've Collected along the Way - Chapter 3

I cannot take credit for these wonderful witticisms. I’ve collected them from others who have written these hilarious bits of wisdom.

Statements of Truth:

·       First rule of cleaning while listening to music. The toilet brush is never the microphone…never.

·       After Monday and Tuesday, even the calendar says W.T.F.

·       You know what’s cheaper then therapy? Admitting you’re
     batshit crazy and running with it.

·       MUSICIAN: Someone who packs $5,000 worth of gear into a car and drives 100 miles to make $50.

                                                                                                   

·       I’d grow my own food if I could only find bacon seeds.


·       My Indian name is: Runs with Beer

·       Tomorrow, a mythical land where I get all my stuff done.

·       Sometimes when I open my mouth…my mother comes out.

·       Go Sports! Move the thing to the other thing.

·       If you see your glass as half empty, pour it into a smaller glass and stop complaining.

Diva Statements:

·       My Guardian Angel just filed a restraining order against me.

·       It was me. I let the dogs out.

·       I’m not always a witch, sometimes I’m a Unicorn.


·       I consider ON-TIME to be when I get there.

·       I meant to behave but there were too many other options.

·       I want to be the reason you look down at your phone and
     smile. Then walk into a pole.

·       SORRY I’M LATE…I didn’t want to come.

·       You call them swear words. I call them sentence enhancers.

·       I tried to be good, but I got bored.

Aging Gracefully:

·       When I was a KID, I wanted to be older…this CRAP is not what I expected.

·       If I had my life to live over again. I would find you sooner, so that
     I could love you longer.

·       I don’t have grey hair. I have wisdom highlights.

·       Exercise? I thought you said EXTRA FRIES.


·       I’m outdoorsy, I drink my wine on the patio.

·       The secret of enjoying a good wine: 1) Open the bottle to allow it to breath. 2) If it does not look like it’s breathing, give it mouth-to mouth.

·       My Bucket List: 1. Keep Breathing.

·       Hello. Yes, I’d like a refund on my body...it’s kind of defective and really expensive.

·       The older I get, the earlier it gets late.

·       I forgot to go to the gym today. That’s seven years in a row.


·       I’m no longer following my heart. That motherfucker gives awful directions.

Annoying Individuals:

·       I’m going to stop asking “how dumb can you get?” People seem to be taking it as a challenge!

·       I can’t play stupid with you. You’re too good at it.

·       I should be given an award for keeping my mouth shut when there’s so much that needs to be said.