Ex-husband #3 – The Unanswered Letters

My marriage to ex-husband #3 should have never happened. I even had concerns prior to our marriage. I found a therapist and we spent weeks talking about him and the pending nuptials.

The main reason I kept the plans moving forward was because of my mother. She believed that a woman had to be married to be a success in life. Looking back at her marriage to my father, that should have shown her that life without a man was better than the life she had with him.

At the time of my engagement, my mother was dying of bladder cancer, and having me married off before she died was her wish. The cancer decided otherwise. She died on September 1 and we were married on September 12.

I had always wanted “a real wedding” held in a church with bridesmaids, a flower girl, a ring bearer and me wearing a fancy long dress. Plus, a sit-down dinner for friends and family at the local country club. And, a honeymoon in Bermuda. Those things did happen. A fairy tale event with a happy ending. Not quite.

Once we returned from the honeymoon, reality hit me in the face. Within one week, #3 was back to working 60 hours a week with a 90-minute round trip commute. And, I tore the cartilage in my knee and had surgery two days later.

On the trip home from the hospital, #3 insisted I sit in the front, but there just wasn’t enough room for my leg to stay straight. I didn’t think of the option of sitting in the back which I should have. I just put up with the pain for the 40-minute ride home, though I did complain the entire trip. At home, he put me in his Lazy Boy recliner and I was dependent on him to haul me out of it.  After a few hours of putting up with this arrangement, I had him move me over to the loveseat. From there, I could hobble to the bathroom and kitchen on my own.

My birthday falls on Christmas day and it was my first year without my mother to celebrate my birth. Of course, there was the new husband and his family, but they didn’t celebrate my birthday like my mother would have. I felt a sense of detachment from #3 and I know he wasn’t aware of how sad and lonely I felt about my mother’s death.

Over the next five years, I floundered along in our relationship. My collection of things grew: snow globes; teddy bears; Longaberger baskets; and of course, jewelry. These material things and romance novels kept me going. He did his hobbies and I did mine. Not exactly, my idea of a fairy tale.

During this time, I really didn’t know how he was feeling. He never participated in any of the discussions I tried to have about our relationship. I decided to write him a letter about my feelings. Here’s the interesting thing: he never commented on what I wrote. I waited days and finally asked how he felt about what I had written. His comment was, “I’m evaluating the contents of the letter.” He never responded to that one or any of the others I wrote to him. Those unanswered letters played a huge part in why my relationship ended with him.

To be honest, I was miserable. I wasn’t looking for anyone. Then Mary came into my life and we had a tryst. That choice turned into a wonderful, loving relationship, which has now been going on for 14 years. And Mary and I don’t need to write letters to each other about our relationship. That is because we communicate and share how we are feeling. Now, that is a fairy tale ending.

Until the next time…

Ex-husband #1 - I Married the Same Guy Twice. What?

A friend recently asked me “Why on earth did you marry the same guy twice?”  A reasonable question to ask, but much harder to explain. My relationship with ex-husband #1 was extremely complicated. My background prevented me from developing a solid relationship. A relationship was difficult to cultivate due to growing up with a harsh mother and father, plus making bad choices in boyfriends.

I’m going to label him #1 for the rest of this story. Remember, I have had three ex-husbands and I don’t want the other two to feel slighted that I haven’t written a story about them … at least not yet!

I met #1 when I was 24. I had dated guys prior to him, and none of them ever said "I love you" which he did say. After a brief courtship of two months, we were married in front of a Justice of the Peace and two of my girlfriends (who weren’t crazy about the marriage or him).

Three weeks into our marriage, I realized that I took on more than I could handle. He was so much like my father. Prior to our marriage we had lived together and we shared household chores. That all changed the day of our marriage as we were heading out to Estes Park, Colorado for a brief honeymoon.

We were delayed because he didn’t have any clean socks. He informed me that it was now my responsibility to do his laundry. And, of course, I did. I had learned from my mother to do whatever was asked so there wouldn’t be any angry outbursts. And, #1’s outbursts were equal to my father’s.

About a month into our marriage, he declared he was a Southern Baptist and had been for years. This was the first time that religion had ever come up in any of our conversations. He started rambling for about an hour about how his beliefs and those found in the Bible, were identical. I was shocked to say the least.

During our first marriage which lasted 17 months, he did something very interesting when it came to his religious beliefs. If it was beneficial for him to be religious he would be. When something came along that wasn’t religious in nature, and he could benefit by it, religion no longer played a part in whatever he was doing.

Case in point. He had made friends with a co-worker who had a woman on the side while still married. It happened that #1 became interested in a friend of theirs and decided he wanted to date her.

We had plans to invite my mother and step-father over for Thanksgiving dinner. Earlier in the day, #1 announced that he had leased an apartment and was moving out the next day. Wow, I didn’t see that coming at all. No hint that he was thinking of a separation much less a divorce.

During our separation, I was having a hard time with accepting what was happening. I asked him many times what we could have done to save our marriage. He never gave me an explanation as to what was the true cause of our pending divorce.

A few months after the divorce was final, he reappeared in my life. The main reason was he needed my savings to get his commercial license to fly small planes at a flight school in Vero Beach, Florida (same school that one of the 9/11 terrorists went for their training). He convinced me to marry him again, and I did. The day after the ceremony, we left Denver to move to Florida.

Two days into the trip, he lost it and showed his anger issues in a big way. He was driving a U-Haul truck and towing our car. It was late at night, and we missed the exit we needed to head south to Florida. He started cussing which turned into screaming and pounding his hands on the steering wheel. At that moment, I knew I should never have remarried him.

The final straw was two years later when we were living in Columbus, Ohio. We had ants crawling around in our kitchen. I called the landlord and asked for the kitchen to be sprayed. Several days after the spraying, I still saw a few ants in the kitchen and I asked #1, “Why are there still ants in the kitchen?” Well…he went ballistic and threw a frozen juice can at my head. Luckily, I ducked or it would have hit me. It seems, he felt that I was blaming him for the ants still being in the kitchen. Really?

By the way, the frozen juice can hit a plaque on the wall behind me, and dented the plaque. I kept that plaque for years, to remind me of the mistake I made by marrying him at all.

Our second marriage lasted only 23 months. I moved out of the apartment within a week of the frozen-juice can episode, and I immediately started divorce proceedings. 

Until the next time…

I'm Allergic to Fire!

I’m afraid of fire. You would think that I would never put myself in harm’s way because of my fears. There are three separate times in my life where I have experienced closeup the effects of what fire can do when unleashed.  

When I was a child, my mother was a nurse at the hospital on the Air Base where we lived. In her mind, to keep me safe from fire she told me how dangerous it was. Anytime someone came in that was a burn victim, I was given vivid details of their injuries.

Fire #1:
Needless to say, I stayed away from flames and I didn’t even light my first match until I was 21. And, that was only under duress from a sorority sister who thought it was time for me to deal with my fears. I did manage to light a candle, though it took many attempts, and in celebration we went down to the kitchen to get a snack.

Luckily, we came back in time. The flame from the candle had engulfed a number of magazines, and was making its way toward the curtains. I went into freeze mode, and was no help whatsoever. Quick thinking, and a cool head from my cohort kept our sorority house from burning down that night.

Fire #2:
Husband #1 and I saw an orange glow in the southern skies one night while living in Vero Beach, Florida. We rode towards the glow on his motorcycle, and many miles outside of Vero we found the cause.

A huge grove of palm trees was on fire. Many firefighters from nearby towns were doing their best to get it under control. We had pulled off the road and were close to a small group of homes. There were owners spraying their roofs down with garden hoses. There were embers in the air but we were still at a safe distance. We watched the palm trees exploding from the intensity of the heat. It looked like fireworks shooting out from the trees. We sat on the motorcycle mesmerized by the sight and sound of the flames consuming all the vegetation. Then the wind shifted.

We didn’t realize how fast the fire was moving toward us. Embers were landing around us. People were yelling and moving quickly off their rooftops. Did I mention that when we got off the main highway, we had cut through some rough terrain to get to where we were? Our only option was to ride toward the houses, and use their road to escape.

At this point, embers were hitting us, the heat was getting intense, and I’m screaming inside my motorcycle helmet. Husband #1 guns the engine and we shoot down the road weaving around debris and embers. People were backing out of their driveways, and we were competing for the same road space. Words of advice -- stay away from exploding palm trees. They can be dangerous to your health.

Fire #3:
After leaving ex-husband #2, I moved into an apartment complex overlooking the Potomac River in Washington D.C. The very day I moved in, I heard several women mention how often the fire alarms would go off in the building, and they just ignored them.That night the alarms went off. I looked out into the hallway saw nothing, and went back in.

A week later, I’m watching TV and I heard a “boom” and felt a “thud” near my kitchen. I walked in, and felt the wall to the adjoining apartment but didn’t feel anything so I went back to watching T.V. About twenty minutes later the fire alarm starts going off and, of course, I just ignored it. 

Normally, it shuts off and this time it just kept going. This time I looked out into the hallway. There was smoke, but I could still see down the hallway. What do I do? I go into my closet and start choosing items that would be appropriate to wear. It took three tries, before I found the perfect outfit. Hey, I didn’t know when I’d see my apartment again.

I opened the door again and there was more smoke and several firemen. They were breaking down my neighbor’s door and I could see flames -- lots of them. Oh shit! Did I mention I lived on the eighth floor? Next problem, do I lock my door or not? That problem was resolved when a fireman entered my apartment and checked my kitchen wall.

He said the building was well made and the fire more than likely wouldn’t come through from the adjoining apartment but they would keep checking to make sure. In the meanwhile, he strongly suggested I leave which I was planning to do but then another problem arose.

All of my neighbors were ignoring the alarm. I started beating on doors as I headed toward the staircase yelling that this was the real thing. At this point, people started opening their doors. I made it outside when I realized I should have tried on a fourth outfit. It was so cold out, and I ended up being outside for more than a hour, though it felt much longer.

I’m standing by the fire trucks, and trying to get information on how my kitchen wall was holding up, when my neighbor walks up. He must have gotten a phone call because he knew it was his place that was on fire. But he wanted to be sure, and I made it abundantly clear that it was. I said something whiny about “I’ve only been here a week.” Come to find out, the cause of the fire was the gas pipe connected to his stove had developed a crack and the fumes filled up the stove and blew off the oven door which hit the wall. Yup, that was the “boom” and “thud” I had heard earlier.

Finally, I got back into my apartment and I had a lovely conversation with a fireman about why all my windows were opened. My apartment had filled up with smoke so they were trying to air it out for me. They even loaned me one of their big fans. I realized that I would be spending a lot of time and quarters in the building’s laundry room. Even after this event, the daily fire alarms were ignored by everyone…even me.

After one burning candle, acres of exploding palm trees and one cracked gas pipe, I’ve come to the conclusion, that fire and I don’t mix. Good thing I’m an earth sign, and not a fire sign!

I was Rude and I’m Very Sorry

The other day, I was entering a local bank and a man held the door open for me. I just passed through and I didn’t thank him which was rude of me. He said, “Your welcome” in a sarcastic tone and walked off. In my defense, while turning into the bank parking lot, I was almost t-boned by an oncoming car and I was quite shaken by the near miss. In retrospect, I should have stayed in my car and worked on calming myself down before charging out of the car which is what I did instead.

This incident got me thinking. To this man, I was a rude woman who didn’t appreciate that he had held the door open for her. In our lifetimes, we all have had encounters with people when we considered them extremely rude.

But what if that person wasn’t just being rude? What if something else was going on in his or her that over shadowed whatever had just occurred?

For example, Stephen Covey, the author of The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People, tells a story about an incident while riding the subway one day. There were four children running around disturbing people. He spoke to the father about the children running wild and needing to quiet down. The father looked sadly at Steven and said, “We just left the hospital. My wife died. Their mother just died.”  Steven, with this new understanding, went into helpful mode and started gathering the children and telling them stories.

For the strangers that we mingle with daily while shopping, driving or standing in the line at the DMV, we don’t know what is happening in their lives. They could have just learned that they had: cancer; lost their job of many years; received divorce papers that morning. Who knows?

There are many rude people out in the world. We hear about those types in the news daily. What made them that way, we don’t know. Were they bullied as children? Abused by a family member? Given the world on a silver platter? What I do know is there are a lot of people carrying heavy burdens that come across as rude when they might have a good reason.

The moral of this story, for me at least, is that I hope the next time that I’m in a situation in which I become annoyed at someone’s behavior, I consider that something might be happening in their lives that is overriding their interaction with me, before I make a harsh opinion of their behavior. Maybe, if we were a little more understanding of others, our world would be a better place to live in.

Until the next time…

Our Beloved Dog - Chloe

Chloe is our dog and we are her servants. She is a bit peeved that it has taken so long to get her own blog posting. She is a diva dog. She came into our lives in May of 2004 when she was seven months old. She and her brother had been abandoned in a rural area in Northern Virginia.

Our intent, that Saturday when we went to the Animal Shelter, was just to look at dogs. We were living in an apartment at the time and wanted to wait until we had a house with a fenced yard.

When we finished with the front part of the shelter, Mary went to hunt down the ladies’ room. I have limited patience so I went ahead into the area where the dogs were kept. I started walking down the line of cages and I made it to the fourth one. And there she was, our dog – who was named Kisses.

Who would name a dog Kisses? Really? Can you see yourself calling out to your dog at the dog park “Here Kisses” or “Kisses stop that right now." Well not I.  I’m getting ahead of myself here. We had not even adopted her and I already wanted to change her name.

Kisses had her nose right up to the chain link and she looked up at me with an expression on her face of “What took you so long to find me?” I was a goner at that point. When Mary finally showed up, I informed her I had found our dog.

We took her into a side room where we had the opportunity to meet her. She was very hesitant and tried to hide under one of the chairs and her cute little butt stuck out because she was too big to fit under it.

The staff member told us her story. She and her brother had been sighted many times in a rural farming area. On their first attempt, they were able to capture him but not her. A few days later they got her and at this point she was close to becoming feral.

Poor baby. She was covered in fleas and ticks. She had to be washed and sprayed several times. The flea spray that was used was quite harsh and her skin became quite inflamed. She wasn’t made available to be shown to the public for several days. By then, her brother had been adopted.

The way it worked at this shelter was once you made your choice, your dog had to be spayed or neutered before going home. There were local veterinarians that did the procedure at their respective vet clinics. We patiently waited for the call to come pick her up.

She was so scared when we saw her. She was recovering from major surgery and then people she was not familiar with were calling her “Chloe.”  Before we left the clinic, we were given some information about her that we had not expected. When they shaved her in preparation for the surgery, they found a rope burn encircling her entire hip area. They also found a pocket of skin on her side that contained buck shot that had already healed over. Who in the hell would shoot a puppy? We will never know the circumstances as to why this happened.

Our plans were to keep her in a dog crate in the apartment. That thought lasted about an hour. We had stepped out of the apartment and when we returned, we found that Chloe had bent part of her crate in the process of breaking out. What to do now? Luckily there was a doggie day care center within minutes of our apartment! They were wonderful to her there and she loved spending her days with other dogs.

About six months later, we were planning a move from Virginia to Massachusetts. We wanted Chloe to see her brother one more time, if possible, before we left the area. We contacted the staff at the animal shelter, who were kind enough to send our contact information on to her brother’s new owners. They contacted us and we agreed that a playdate was in order.

We made the arrangements to meet at a baseball park near their home. Until the day I die, I will always have this memory in my mind: her brother was already running around the bases when we showed up. They made eye contact and Chloe ran towards him. They started running side by side around the park. They had such happy expressions on their faces. They remembered each other!

Years have gone by and Chloe will turn 14 in November. She has slowed down quite a bit and running is no longer an option for her. But, I will always remember the day that she ran freely with her brother. What a beautiful memory!

Until next time…

2017 Air Show at Barnes Air National Guard Base

This past weekend, Barnes Air National Guard Base held the Westfield International Air Show. I went and I had a blast. I grew up on three Air Force bases and had attended many air shows as a child and I knew that I would enjoy going to this one.

I originally planned to go with Mary, but it’s just not her thing. While I was on the Internet getting all the details for the air show, it was mentioned that there was only room for 12,000 cars. They recommended to get there earlier than later. I found out the lots opened at 6:30 a.m. and the gates to the base opened at 8:00 a.m.  So, I arrived at 6:10 a.m. and I read my latest Harry Bosch series book by Michael Connelly while waiting for the gates to open.

My goals were the following: find big planes; walk around in them; and watch the air show. 

The first plane was a C-5 Galaxy A – a cargo plane that on the upper level has 73 airplane-like seats, two bathrooms and a kitchen. Of course, when flying thousands of miles, that is the only way to travel, especially when hauling huge pieces of equipment that could roll over on you. The backside of the plane had a ramp to get equipment in. Me with my two knee replacements couldn’t make it up. I turned to a man next to me and asked for help, explaining to him about my knees. His wife immediately went to my other side and together they hauled me up. That was so nice of them! I then walked around and asked questions of the crew. That is how I found out about the upper-level passenger seating.

My next big plane was a KC-135 which supplies fuel to planes mid-air. I found out that the plane holds 31,000 gallons of fuel in its wings and belly. I can’t even image how long it takes to fill that up! Touring it required climbing a metal staircase, and, even with my knee replacements, I made it! At the rear of the plane was an area where a crew member would be at the controls to attach the refueling boom to the plane needing fuel. I also went up to the cockpit where I learned the plane has been in use since 1958. Over the years, the instrument panel has been upgraded to keep up with modern technology.

Now, coming down the metal stairs was much more complicated than going up. First, I’m afraid of heights, and second, going down stairs is much more difficult for me with the knee replacements. I need to go down one step at a time, turning my feet sideways. I explained this to the nice crew member and he volunteered to help me down. I accepted his offer.

The air show kept getting delayed due to heavy cloud cover, but finally cleared enough for the show to go on. There was a single engine prop that did loops and dives with smoke pluming out from the rear so you could see in detail what the plane was doing. The fighter jets flew past at a low level like 100 feet so we could get a good look at them. They then pulled up and flew into the sky. Watching that was quite breath taking. My favorite moment was when the C-17, which is a large cargo and troop transport, flew low and circled the airfield several times so we could get a good look at it. For its size, it had a lot of mobility and made sharp turns with ease.

After an hour and a half, I thought the show was over and I started walking back to my car. I heard a lot of oooo’s and ahhhh’s as I was walking. I looked up and there were parachute jumpers coming down to land. Had I stayed in my original spot, they would have landed right in front of me. Drats!

I spent seven hours at the air show and was never bored. There were all sorts of planes sitting on the runway (static displays) that you could look at. Plus, all types of vendors. For food, I had a funnel cake with lots of powdered sugar and a lemonade drink with a whole lemon cut up in it. Not very nutritious, but all part of the day’s fun.

It has been seven years since Barnes held their last air show and I hope that the next one is much sooner than that. I made so many memories that will last for years to come.

Until next time…

Stories about Chancey our Scottish Terrier

Chancey passed away on Tuesday, July 18, 2017. He would have turned 11 on August 8th. He had a rare form of skin cancer. When he was diagnosed in April of 2014 we were told due to the rapid progression of the disease he would only live 6 to 12 months. Well...he lived for 39 months and 16 days.

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This wonderful story was written on December 22, 2008. Scottish Terriers are know for being stubborn and that was the case with Chancey. Also, they are most frequently the dogs that bite judges at dog shows! But this wasn't true of our Chancey, he loved everyone he met. He was very sociable!

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Chancey, is the latest addition to our four-legged fur family. I dog-napped him this past summer while visiting a friend down in New London, Connecticut. She was dog-sitting him for a week while his family was on a business trip. They didn’t want him in the first place but their daughter did and then she moved to California and left Chancey behind. 

At the age of two: Chancey hated being walked so he pulled a great deal; he also had a great hostility of anything with wheels on it so he would charge at it while barking at the top of his lungs; he didn’t know any basic dog commands (sit, stay and do doggie commercials and bring home the mega bucks) nor was he potty trained. With that said, I wanted a better life for him. So I brought him home. Which then made him dog number three in a tiny house (1097 sq. feet) on a heavily-trafficked state road with no fenced-in yard. What was I thinking?

Episode #1 - I learned quickly that I was in way over my head having three dogs.The first hint happened when I took all three of them to the local dog park. I had Chancey on a leash but he was pulling so hard I let him off, which was a very stupid move on my part. Everything was fine until we met up with several groups of dogs. With all the doggie greetings involved, (barking, sniffing butts and a little bit of growing) he walked off with another group.

By the time I got my wits about me and had the other two dogs under my control, I realized that I was missing the newest addition. Yikes! I walked around yelling for him but had no luck. I took Chloe and Fast Eddie back to the Jeep and went searching for him. I was running around asking other dog owners walking their dogs if they had seen him. No luck! Finally, a woman with her own three dogs shows up with Chancey in tow. Yeah!!

Episode #2 – I didn’t have a tight hold on him while transporting him from the Jeep onto the kitchen porch. He quickly took off and headed East on Rt. 66 while running down the road using the double-yellow lines as his guide. With four knee surgeries, it is hard for me to move quickly much less run but run I did, and I scooped him up.

Episode #3 – We are back at the park and I’ve now learned to keep him on leash and use the Gentle Leader that a friend had given us. It was just the ticket when it came to keeping him from pulling and under control. We finished our morning walk and headed back to the Jeep. Both Fast Eddie and Chloe needed help getting up into the back. Then it was Chancey’s turn. My big mistake was removing the leash before lifting him up into the Jeep. He took off. I went after him leaving Chloe who jumped out of the Jeep with a fellow dog walker while Eddie was left in the Jeep. Right next to the parking lot is a large community garden which was in full bloom. Well, I couldn’t see him because he has such a low profile. His legs are only six inches long. He evidently returned to the parking lot where we reunited.

Episode #4 – A friend of ours came over for dinner this past fall. We were using a baby gate out on the kitchen porch to keep the dogs contained. In letting our friend onto the porch I created a small opening that Chancey used for his escape. I’m screaming for him to stop while I’m doing my version of jogging to catch up with him. Off he goes, again heading East following the double-yellow lines again! Now he’s a little black dog and with the light fading, it was hard for me to see him much less for the on-coming drivers. Of course, a woman waving her arms does slow traffic down a bit. The first driver stopped but the truck behind her moved around her and was heading directly toward Chancey and the driver didn’t see him. At this point, I felt something moving quickly pass me. It was Mary madly running. She hadn't had any knee surgeries like I've had so she’s still able to sprint. She had heard my screams from the house and knew it had to do with one of the dogs. She finally caught up with Chancey before the truck ran over him!

Episode #5 –Mary and a friend had just gone shopping for our Christmas dinner and were unloading the groceries with Chancey jumping up and down on the porch. He was so excited that they had come home. Seeing the opportunity to make a run for it, he did.  Mary was yelling at him to stop as he again headed East on the double-yellow lines. This time is was light enough out for traffic to see him. Traffic came to an abrupt halt. Coming from the East was a large truck, the driver made a quick decision and turned his vehicle so it blocked the road. And, a pick-up truck coming from the West stopped traffic from that direction. Yeah, another possible disaster averted!

We’ve come to the conclusion that Chancey thinks he’s “Toto from the Wizard of Oz.” He is a terrier just like Toto was. He does hail from Kansas and he is obviously searching for that elusive yellow-brick road like so many of us are!