I
cannot take credit for these wonderful witticisms. I’ve collected these from
others who have written them.
· Wi-Fi went down for five minutes, so I had to talk to my family. They seem like nice people.
· Sometimes I wonder what happened to the people who asked me for directions.
·
Just once, I want a username and password prompt to
say, “Close Enough.”
· I think I may need professional help…a chef, a butler and a maid should do it.
· They told me I’d grow out of my awkwardness after middle school. Still waiting.
· It takes real skills to choke on air, fall up the
stairs and trip over nothing. I have those skills.
·
No, I didn’t lose my mind. It got scared and ran
away.
·
Common sense is not a gift. It’s a punishment.
Because you must deal with everyone who doesn’t have it.
·
It’s not drinking alone if the dog is here.
·
Have you ever looked at your family and thought well
aren’t we just two clowns short of a circus?
·
There’s no need to repeat yourself. I ignored you
just fine the first time.
·
I’m a multitasker. I can listen, ignore, and forget.
All at the same time!
·
Since there is only one of me. Does that make me
endangered or a limited edition?
·
Make lies wrong again.
·
I thought about running away more as an adult than I
did as a child.
·
People who wonder if the glass is half-empty or
half-full miss the point. The glass is refillable.
·
Remember when we had to smack the TV because the
channel wasn’t coming in clearly? I feel that way about some people.
·
Losing weight doesn’t seem to be working for me. From
now on I’m going to concentrate on getting taller.
·
Some people need a shock collar, and I need the
remote.
·
Underestimate me. That’ll be fun.
·
Sometimes I talk to myself, then we both laugh and
laugh.
·
I have red hair because God knew I needed a warning
label.
·
It’s not my fault you didn’t read the fine print. I
came with a warning label.
·
I bake because punching people is frowned upon.
·
I do yoga, just kidding. I drink wine in yoga pants.
·
When you can find the sunshine be the sunshine.
·
My favorite sport is tracking my online orders.
·
My doctor asked if anyone in my family suffers from
mental illness. I said “No, we all seem to enjoy it.
·
Always late but worth the wait.
·
FREE HUGS…just kidding, don’t touch me.
·
I’m sorry I’m so cranky. I’m in my terrible 60’s
right now.
·
Hold on. Let me overthink this.
·
Who let me adult? I can’t adult!
·
I’m on a nut free diet…I avoid people who drive me
nuts.
·
Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty
stomach. And now I’m the proud owner of Aisle 6.
·
That’s a horrible idea. What time?
·
I’m not getting old. I just can’t remember stuff
because my brain is full.
·
Some days I amaze myself. Other days I leave my keys
in the fridge.
·
THINK. It’s not illegal yet.
· One minute you’re young and fun. And the next, you’re turning down the car stereo to see better.
·
I can’t. I won’t Don’t ask me.
·
I like to smile at people who don’t like me.
·
I used to be able to do cartwheels. Now I tip over
putting on my underwear.
·
I may look calm, but in my head, I’ve punched you in
the face three times.
·
No matter how bad it gets, I’m always rich at the
dollar store.
·
Lazy is such an ugly word…I prefer the term
selective participation.
·
A dog accepts you as the boss…a cat wants to see
your resume.
·
Crazy cat lady? I prefer dedicated feline
enthusiast.
·
My goal in life is to piss off at least one person a
day. So far, I’m about four years ahead of schedule.
·
You can’t scare me. I’m a nurse and I worked through
a freaking pandemic.
·
If I was a bird, I know who I’d shit on.
·
If you think I’m short, you should see my patience…
·
Being an adult is the dumbest thing I have ever
done.
·
No, your right. Let’s do it the dumbest way
possible.
·
Being a functional adult every day seems a bit
excessive.
·
Mister Rogers did not adequately prepare me for the
people in my neighborhood.
·
My favorite essential oil is bacon grease.
·
You think it’s bad now? In 20 years, our country
will be run by people who were homeschooled by day drinkers.
·
My heart says chocolate and wine but my jeans say, "For the love of God woman, eat a salad!"
·
Common sense is not a gift. It’s punishment. Because
you must deal with everyone who doesn’t have it.
·
SCIENCE doesn’t care what you believe.
·
I’m not sarcastic. I’m just intelligent beyond your
understanding.
·
I don’t always roll a joint, but when I do it’s my
ankle.
·
I meant to behave but there were too many other
options.
·
Not bossy. Aggressively helpful.
·
You know that little thing inside your head that
keeps you from saying things you shouldn’t? Yeah. I don’t have one of those.
·
I disappear into books what’s your superpower?
·
Some people are like clouds, once they disappear
it’s a beautiful day.
