You are a New Englander....

If any of these witticisms from Jeff Foxworthy hit home, you live or have lived in New England:

 

v If someone in a Home Depot store offers you assistance and they don't work there;

v If you've had a lengthy telephone conversation with someone who dialed a wrong number;

v If vacation means going anywhere south of New York City for the weekend;

v If you measure distance in hours;

v If you know several people who have hit a deer more than once;

v If you have switched from 'Heat' to 'A/C' in the same day and back again;

v If you can drive 75 mph through 2 feet of snow during a raging blizzard without flinching;

v If you design your kid's Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit;

v If the speed limit on the highway is 55 mph you're going 80 and everybody is passing you;

v If driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled with snow;

v If you've worn shorts and a parka at the same time;

v If you know all 4 seasons: almost winter, winter, still winter, and road construction;

v If you have more miles on your snow blower than your car;

v If you find 10 degrees "a little chilly";

v If you think everyone else has a funny accent.

Witticisms I've Collected along the Way - Chapter 4

I cannot take credit for these wonderful witticisms. I’ve collected these from others who have written them.

Unicorns:

Sometimes, I question my sanity. But the Unicorn in the kitchen told me I’m fine.

He told me I was delusional. I nearly fell off my Unicorn.

Always be yourself. Unless you can be a Unicorn then always be a Unicorn.

Dogs:

Love is a 4-legged word.

I don’t care who dies in a movie. As long as the dog lives.

I’m in a really good place right now. Not emotionally or spiritually. Just on the sofa with the dog.

Love is how excited your dog gets when you come home.

Aging Gracefully

I went to an antique show and people were bidding on me.

At my funeral take the bouquet off my coffin and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.

The adult version of “head, shoulders, knees and toes” is “wallet, glasses, keys and phone.”

My body is a temple. Ancient and crumbling, probably cursed or haunted.

Born to be wild…until 9 p.m.

Retirement To-Do List: Wake up. Nailed it!

I do my own stunts, but never intentionally.

Over what hill? I don’t remember any hill.

I thought the dryer made my clothes shrink. Turns out it was the refrigerator.

Sometimes it takes me all day to get nothing done.

The Golden Years have come at last! I cannot pee, I cannot see, my budget shrinks, my memory stinks. The Golden Years can kiss my ass!

I came, I saw, I forgot what I was doing. Retraced my steps, got lost on the way back. Now I have no idea what’s going on.

Don’t grow up, it’s a trap.

I don’t have grey hair. I have wisdom highlights.

Go braless…it will pull the wrinkles out of your face!

Attitude:

A fun thing to do in the morning is not talk to me.

Don’t talk to me while I’m texting. That’s rude.

THINK. It’s not illegal yet.

I didn’t mean to push all your buttons. I was just looking for mute.

Well, aren’t we just 2 scoops of grumpy in a bowl full of bitchy this morning?

I’m grateful my thoughts don’t appear in a bubble over my head.

This whiskey tastes like I’m about to tell you how I really feel.

Sometimes I have inside jokes with myself.

I’m a multitasker. I can listen, ignore and forget. All at the same time.

Common sense is not a gift. It’s a punishment. Because you have to deal with everyone who doesn’t have it.

I’ll get over it. I just need to be dramatic first.

So apparently, I have attitude.

This is my happy face.

I had my patience tested. I’m negative.

I’ll see your hot mess and raise you a walking disaster.

I’m not mean, I’m brutally honest. It’s not my fault truth hurts. Here’s a band aid.

I don’t have ducks. I don’t have a row. I have squirrels and they’re drunk

 I don’t care what people think of me. I’m busy. I’ve got MAGICAL shit to do.

It only takes one slow-walking person in the grocery store TO DESTROY THE ILLUSION THAT I’M A NICE PERSON.

If I give you a straw, will you suck the fun out of someone ELSE’S DAY?

Statements of Truth:

If you’re happy and you know it, it’s your meds.·If history repeats itself I am so getting a dinosaur.

Never trust an atom. They make up everything.

Scientists say the universe is made up of protons, neutrons, and electrons. They forgot to mention morons.

Sometimes it takes me all day to get nothing done.

·       If at first, you don’t succeed try again. And, skydiving is not for you.

·       Every once in awhile someone amazing comes along…and here I am.

·       My wife says I only have two faults. I don’t listen and something else…

·      Don’t judge me by my relatives.

·       Of course, size matters. No one wants a small glass of wine.

·       Wine flies when you’re having fun.

·        I only talk to myself because I listen.

Dust once. It came back. Not falling for that again.

Camping: Where you spend a small fortune, to live like a homeless person.

The more you weight, the harder you are to kidnap. Stay Safe. Eat Cake.

·       The 12-step chocoholics program. Never be more than 12 steps away from chocolate.

·        If you can’t remember my name, just say “Chocolate” and I’ll turn around.

·        Line dancing was started by women waiting to use the bathroom.

·        To me “drink responsibly” means don’t spill it.

·       Today I was a hero! I rescued some beer that was trapped in a bottle.

·       My GPS says, “estimated time of arrival.” I see “time to beat” and the game is on…

·      I hate it when the voices in my head go silent…I never know what they are plannin

·       I have a daughter. I also have a gun, a shovel and an alibi.

Being an adult is like folding a fitted sheet.

On the surface: cool as a cucumber. On the inside: squirrel in traffic.

·       Sometimes, I question my sanity. But the Unicorn in the kitchen told me I’m fine.

·       He told me I was delusional. I nearly fell off my Unicorn.

·        Always be yourself. Unless you can be a Unicorn then always be a Unicorn.

Dogs:

·      Love is a 4-legged word.

·       I don’t care who dies in a movie. As long, as the dog lives.

·     I’m in a really good place right now. Not emotionally or spiritually. Just on the sofa with the dog.

·       Love is how excited your dog gets when you come home.

Aging Gracefully

 

·      Went to an antique show and people were bidding on me.

·       At my funeral take the bouquet off my coffin and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.

·       The adult version of “head, shoulders, knees and toes” is “wallet, glasses, keys and phone.”

·       My body is a temple. Ancient and crumbling, probably cursed or haunted.

·       Born to be wild…until 9 p.m.

·       Retirement To-Do List: Wake up. Nailed it!

·       I do my own stunts, but never intentionally.

·      Over what hill? I don’t remember any hill.

·       I thought the dryer made my clothes shrink. Turns out it was the refrigerator.

·       Sometimes it takes me all day to get nothing done.

·       The Golden Years have come at last! I cannot pee, I cannot see, my budget shrinks, my memory stinks. The Golden Years can kiss my ass!

·       I came, I saw, I forgot what I was doing. Retraced my steps, got lost on the way back. Now I have no idea what’s going on.

·       Don’t grow up, it’s a trap.

·        I don’t have grey hair. I have wisdom highlights.

·        Go braless…it will pull the wrinkles out of your face!

Attitude:

·       A fun thing to do in the morning is not talk to me.

·      Don’t talk to me while I’m texting. That’s rude.

·      THINK. It’s not illegal yet.

·       I didn’t mean to push all your buttons. I was just looking for mute.

·       Well aren’t we just 2 scoops of grumpy in a bowl full of bitchy this morning?

·       I’m grateful my thoughts don’t appear in a bubble over my head.

·       This whiskey tastes like I’m about to tell you how I really feel.

·       Sometimes I have inside jokes with myself.

·       I’m a multitasker. I can listen, ignore and forget. All at the same time!

·      Common sense is not a gift. It’s a punishment. Because you have to deal with everyone who doesn’t have it.

·      I’ll get over it. I just need to be dramatic first.

·       So apparently, I have attitude.

·       This is my happy face.

·       I had my patience tested. I’m negative.

·      I’ll see your hot mess and raise you a walking disaster.

·       I’m not mean, I’m brutally honest. It’s not my fault truth hurts. Here’s a band aid.

·      I don’t have ducks. I don’t have a row. I have squirrels and they’re drunk.

·       I don’t care what people think of me. I’m busy. I’ve got MAGICAL shit to do.

·        It only takes one slow-walking person in the grocery store TO DESTROY THE ILLUSION THAT I’M A NICE PERSON.

 If I give you a straw, will you suck the fun out of someone ELSE’S DAY?

 

Statements of Truth:

·       If you’re happy and you know it, it’s your meds.

·      Never trust an atom. They make up everything.

·       Scientists say the universe is made up of protons, neutrons, and electrons. They forgot to mention morons.

·       Sometimes it takes me all day to get nothing done.

·       If at first, you don’t succeed try again. And skydiving is not for you.

·       Every once in a while, someone amazing comes along…and here I am.

·       My wife says I only have two faults. I don’t listen and something else.

·      Don’t judge me by my relatives.

·       Of course, size matters. No one wants a small glass of wine.

·       Wine flies when you’re having fun.

·        I only talk to myself because I listen.

·       Dust once. It came back. Not falling for that again.

·       Camping: Where you spend a small fortune, to live like a homeless person.

·       The more you weight, the harder you are to kidnap. Stay Safe. Eat Cake.

·       The 12-step chocoholics program. Never be more than 12 steps away from chocolate.

·        If you can’t remember my name, just say “Chocolate” and I’ll turn around.

·        Line dancing was started by women waiting to use the bathroom.

·        To me “drink responsibly” means don’t spill it.

·       Today I was a hero! I rescued some beer that was trapped in a bottle.

·       My GPS says, “estimated time of arrival.” I see “time to beat” and the game is on…

·      I hate it when the voices in my head go silent…I never know what they are planning.

·       I have a daughter. I also have a gun, a shovel and an alibi.

·       Being an adult is like folding a fitted sheet.

·        On the surface: cool as a cucumber. On the inside: squirrel in traffic.

COVID-19 and the Cuban Missile Crisis?

To me, there is a correlation between these two major events that changed the way I see the world we live in today.

Per Wikipedia – “The Cuban Missile Crisis was a 13-day (October 16-28, 1962) confrontation between the United States and the Soviet Union initiated by the American discovery of Soviet ballistic missile deployment in Cuba. The confrontation is often considered the closest the Cold War came to escalating into a full-scale nuclear war.”

At the time, my father was based at the Lincoln Air Force Base in Lincoln, Nebraska. I was eight years old that summer. And things were dicey way before the October confrontation.

The one episode I remember was Wednesday, August 1, 1962. I had a bike accident that morning which was quite serious and required surgery. I needed to get to St. Elizabeth Hospital located in the city of Lincoln, as soon as possible. Problem was the base was shut down and no one could enter or leave the base.

After much discussion, it was decided that I could leave the base. My parents were not allowed to come with me. The next day, I had a surgery that had a 99% failure rate. Thankfully, the orthopedic surgeon was able to repair the growth bone to the radius of my arm. If he hadn’t, my arm would not have grown, and it would have remained the size it was at the time of the accident.

During the summer and fall, lots of preparations were made. At school, we practiced moving quickly to the auditorium which was considered a shelter. Years later, I visited the school and had a look at the auditorium. It was just a large room with seats that could not have protected us against a nuclear attack. 

In our basement were stored large quantities of food called Meal, Ready-to-Eat (MRE). There was also water, flashlights, blankets and a metal box of ammunition. Wherever the gun was hidden, I was not told of its location.

Right before the confrontation began, my parents sat me down and explained what I needed to do if the Soviet Union attacked the United States. If I heard the sirens go off, I was to get to our basement immediately and stay there until someone came to get me. They explained it would most likely not be either one of them. 

My parents were required to participate in any attack against the U.S. My mother was a Civil Service nurse and was needed if any military personnel or civilians were injured. My father held the rank of Chief Master Sergeant (highest rank of a non-commissioned officer) and was part of a division that controlled the missile bunkers located throughout Nebraska. 

If the U.S. were to be attacked, the many missiles located throughout the U.S. would be fired in retaliation. Many people did not know how close we came to a nuclear war that October. 

In 2020, the war we are facing today cannot be ignored. We need to unite to halt the deaths that are occurring due to the virus. Finally, Trump is now accepting that it will not quietly go away, and he is slowly taking measures that are needed to fight it.

What can we do? Social distancing is a definite. Also, follow the stay-at-home policy as often as possible. Buy enough food to last a few weeks before going out to the grocery store. Order online items to keep you busy: crafts; puzzles; books; and games that require the family to join in. Call friends whom you haven’t spoken with in a long time. Go for walks, ride your bicycle, play hide and seek (as long as you keep your distance!). And, the most important thing is to tell the people in our lives, how much they mean to us.

We didn't lose that war; let's not lose this one. Too much is at stake.

Stay safe.

"Just for Today"

What is happening in our world today, the majority of us would never had predicted. We now live in a world in which the mere mention of "pandemic" terrifies us to our core, and "social distancing" has become a form of survival. The author is unknown.

                        -------------------------------------------------------

Just for today, I will try to live through this day only, and not set far-reaching goals to try to overcome all my problems at once. I know I can do something for 12 hours that would appall me if I felt I had to keep it up for a lifetime.

Just for today, I will try to be happy. Abraham Lincoln said, “Most folks are about as happy as they make up their minds to be.” He was right. I will not dwell on thoughts that depress me. I will chase them out of my mind and replace them with happy thoughts.

Just for today, I will adjust myself to what is. I will face reality. I will try to change those things I can change and accept those things that I cannot change.

Just for today, I will try to improve my mind. I will not be a mental loafer. I will force myself to read something that requires effort, thought and concentration.

Just for today, I will exercise my soul in three ways. I will do a good deed for somebody—without letting them know it. (If they find out I did it, it won’t count.) I will do at least two things that I know I should do but have been putting off. I will not show anyone that my feelings are hurt; they may be hurt, but today I will not show it.

Just for today, I will be agreeable. I will look as well as I can, dress becomingly, talk softly, act courteously and speak ill of no one. Just for today I’ll not try to improve anybody except myself.

Just for today, I will have a program. I may not follow it exactly, but I will have it, thereby saving myself from two pests: hurry and indecision.

Just for today, I will have a quiet half hour to relax alone. During this time I will reflect on my behavior and I will try to get a better perspective on my life.

Just for today, I will be unafraid. I will gather the courage to do what is right and take the responsibility for my own actions. I will expect nothing from the world, but I will realize that as I give to the world, the world will give to me.

Bachelor Bunny and Friends (Mice and Squirrels)

The stories below have appeared in several different postings in the past few years. This time I've taken different stories and combined them - as there is a recurring theme! These stories happened during the time we lived in our house in Massachusetts.

My plans for tonight were to do some laundry and of course, work on my blog. I got delayed because of Mary’s rabbit. Did you know Mary had a rabbit? Well, neither did I. There is this rabbit living under our shed that we call “the barn” because it looks like a barn. She was worried that due to all the snow it would have trouble finding food. So she has been putting out cabbage, broccoli, carrots and even a radish. The radish was not well received. Mary was running late this morning and asked me to deposit the morning carrot near “the barn.” I checked when I got home tonight and it was gone.

So what did I do? I went in and got another carrot for “Bachelor Bunny.” I then went out on the Internet to see what one feeds wild rabbits. Some people mentioned feeding Cheerios to them. Are you kidding? That is not what I consider healthy food for humans much less a rabbit. I also read that they need a fresh water source when everything is frozen.

So I spent over 15 minutes going through the house and basement looking for a container that could be donated to the cause and I found a couple of potential candidates. Personally, I like the little Corningware dish that has wild flowers decorating its sides. I think “Bunny” would like it as well.  My concern is, will “Bachelor Bunny” have enough head room to drink the water with the container under “the barn.” Mary took a cream cheese container and cut it down. She just went outside with warm water so it wouldn't freeze as fast, we hope. Aren't we funny???

The bunny saga continues. Mary is still putting food out by the shed. This morning it was organic carrot greens. Regular carrots don’t normally come with the leafy part. Mary read that the leafy top part of a carrot is healthier for bunnies than just the carrot. Also included on this morning’s menu, was a piece of broccoli and a hunk of zucchini. At lunch time it was all gone except for the zucchini. So we have now learned that there are two things that our bunny doesn’t like, radishes and zucchini. 

I hope there are several bunnies because if there aren’t, we may have one very fat bunny living under our shed. By the way, the shed’s foundation consists of 4” by 4” wooden beams that are sitting on a paved section of our driveway. If he gets stuck under there, we may have to cut a hole in the shed floor so he can get out!

We are kind-hearted souls, but our various attempts at dealing with wildlife has had its memorable moments. Such as Mary running around in our basement trying to catch our “one” mouse so she could put him back outside so he could scamper off to a safe haven. The problem was that our basement had become his safe haven because it was 20 degrees out. He liked his new digs so well he invited four of his friends over for a party. So I invited Kevin, our friendly bug/pest exterminator, over to have a chat with them.

I couldn’t deal with the traps. Poor Mary was the brave one and she deposited them in our trash can while saying a prayer that St. Francis would care for them and forgive us. I was the one nominated to take the bags that included all five of them to the local dump with the rest of our garbage. My plan was to go there before my therapist appointment, but of course I was running late. So they sat in the back of my car for an hour while my therapist and I had a discussion over the fact that there is never just “one” mouse. 

Another mouse story. I was retrieving something out of Mary’s car when I looked down and there was a baby mouse on the floor mat. I screamed and he disappeared. We were looking all over in the car for him when I looked up and there he was sitting on the top of the head rest. Again, I screamed. Again, he disappeared. Can you tell that there was a pattern developing? Since Mary’s car is gray, we figured the little fuzzy gray mouse thought he was on the mother ship.

Our solution: we used my car to run our errands and left Mary’s in the driveway with all the windows down. When we got home, Mary placed some lettuce out hoping to lure him away from the car. Unfortunately, during the night we had a heavy rain and Mary found him in a puddle. We held a small service and Mary carefully carried him out to the woods and covered him up with leaves.

We live in an area with a large population of squirrels. During the spring and summer months, there are many hit and left in the middle of the road, only to get run over.  One of us goes out with our designated shovel that is used only for corpse pick up. Luckily, there is a wooded area across from our house where the burial site is located. We’ve been known to walk down the road a ways to pick those up as well. We believe that getting squashed once in a lifetime is more than enough.

News Flash!!! Mary saw the bunny hopping around the shed. Yeah, the bunny is alive and well. We may not have to cut back on his portions. Mary thinks he has a membership at Planet Fitness.

My Stupid Son...

Recently a Dartmouth Hitchcock Medical Center (DHMC) employee came back from Milan, Italy. He was told to stay isolated because he had been exposed to the coronavirus virus. Instead he went to a privately-held event at which there were approximately 175 – 200 people in attendance.

                          *****************************************

The story below is a fictional piece that I’ve written in which this young man’s mother calls him to tell him what she really thinks about his irresponsible behavior.

                          *****************************************

 “Hi Mom.” 

“Reginald, was that you?”

“Yes, Mom.”

“WHAT were you thinking?”

“Well, Mom I....”

“I’m asking again, WHAT were you thinking? Or were you thinking at all?”

“Mom, I just…”

“First of all, as soon as I heard that there were people in Italy infected with the virus, I told you to come home right away. But no. Oh no, you ignored me and went off to the next pub crawl or whatever you were doing.”

“It wasn't that …”

“Then you're off to this event before you even know if you're sick. Do you realize that your decision to go there could have possibly infected hundreds of people? Those people have loved ones, roommates, family that they went home to. This is how it spreads. Did they teach you anything in that expensive medical school that your father and I paid for? “WHAT were you thinking?”

“I learned plenty…”

“And, I heard that there were Residents who attended that event. They are now quarantined for 14 days because Mr. Big Germ had cabin fever. This means that there are FEWER Residents working at the hospital for the next 14 days.”

“It wasn't like that.”

 “WHAT were you thinking?”

“Well, I thought…”

 “Your father is asking if you were the one who broke quarantine.”

“Mom, it was just…”

 “And, there is at least one person so far who works in your department that tested positive for the virus. Did you have to breathe on everyone?”

“Mom!”

 “They CLOSED DOWN your entire department and all of your co-workers are being quarantined for 14 days.”

“I didn't…”

“I can’t begin to tell you how DEVASTED we are with your behavior. I thought your father and I raised you better than this. It's just like when you a teenager, all over again. You…”

“You're not going to bring that up again, are you?”

“We taught you to be respectful to others, to be caring and loving to all people who came into your life. Obviously, you missed that lesson.”

“Mom, if you'd just…”

“Your grandmother called, and she is livid. She, too, can’t believe you went there AFTER you were told to be quarantined for 14 days.”

“But Mom, I…”

“I want you to know that your grandmother is thinking of removing you from the family trust. She feels that with your irresponsible behavior it shows that you aren't the sort of person to have access to it. Unfortunately, I agree with her."

“That's not fair!!!”

“I’ve spoken to your sister as well. Her comment was 'Thankfully, I don’t have the same last name’ that speaks volumes.”

“Her too? Mom.”

“The place where the event was held had to be SANITIZED. Thankfully the Health Department stated there was “no reason to cancel upcoming events.” I want you to know that your actions probably cost that establishment thousands of dollars to have it disinfected. What if the place had to close?”

“Now Mom...”

“Young man - DO NOT 'Now Mom' me. You will never understand the embarrassment you have caused this family!”

“Mom, I didn't think…”

“No, you certainly didn't. You are so lucky that you are in quarantine or I’d be there yelling in your face.”

“Mom!”

“If I could, I’d ground you for a year for this stunt you pulled.”

“Mom!!!”

“WHAT were you thinking?”

He gave out a heavy sigh. "I wasn't".

"That's the first intelligent thing you've said."

"Sorry Mom".

“Thank you, dear. And, you should say ‘I’m sorry’ to all the others as well.”

"I know."

Witticisms I've Collected along the Way - Chapter 3

I cannot take credit for these wonderful witticisms. I’ve collected them from others who have written these hilarious bits of wisdom.

Statements of Truth:

·       First rule of cleaning while listening to music. The toilet brush is never the microphone…never.

·       After Monday and Tuesday, even the calendar says W.T.F.

·       You know what’s cheaper then therapy? Admitting you’re
     batshit crazy and running with it.

·       MUSICIAN: Someone who packs $5,000 worth of gear into a car and drives 100 miles to make $50.

                                                                                                   

·       I’d grow my own food if I could only find bacon seeds.


·       My Indian name is: Runs with Beer

·       Tomorrow, a mythical land where I get all my stuff done.

·       Sometimes when I open my mouth…my mother comes out.

·       Go Sports! Move the thing to the other thing.

·       If you see your glass as half empty, pour it into a smaller glass and stop complaining.

Diva Statements:

·       My Guardian Angel just filed a restraining order against me.

·       It was me. I let the dogs out.

·       I’m not always a witch, sometimes I’m a Unicorn.


·       I consider ON-TIME to be when I get there.

·       I meant to behave but there were too many other options.

·       I want to be the reason you look down at your phone and
     smile. Then walk into a pole.

·       SORRY I’M LATE…I didn’t want to come.

·       You call them swear words. I call them sentence enhancers.

·       I tried to be good, but I got bored.

Aging Gracefully:

·       When I was a KID, I wanted to be older…this CRAP is not what I expected.

·       If I had my life to live over again. I would find you sooner, so that
     I could love you longer.

·       I don’t have grey hair. I have wisdom highlights.

·       Exercise? I thought you said EXTRA FRIES.


·       I’m outdoorsy, I drink my wine on the patio.

·       The secret of enjoying a good wine: 1) Open the bottle to allow it to breath. 2) If it does not look like it’s breathing, give it mouth-to mouth.

·       My Bucket List: 1. Keep Breathing.

·       Hello. Yes, I’d like a refund on my body...it’s kind of defective and really expensive.

·       The older I get, the earlier it gets late.

·       I forgot to go to the gym today. That’s seven years in a row.


·       I’m no longer following my heart. That motherfucker gives awful directions.

Annoying Individuals:

·       I’m going to stop asking “how dumb can you get?” People seem to be taking it as a challenge!

·       I can’t play stupid with you. You’re too good at it.

·       I should be given an award for keeping my mouth shut when there’s so much that needs to be said.