The Bank Robbery

I wrote this fiction piece from a writing prompt I found in the book “642 Things to Write About” by the San Francisco Writers’ Grotto.

Damn it! I’m running late to my dentist appointment. I have no time to be part of a bank robbery. What were these people thinking? Holding up a bank at 10:30 a.m. on a Wednesday morning? Didn’t they know people had plans? 

They insisted that we all lie down on the floor and not move. I’m wearing a short-sleeved shirt and capris and lying on a cold stone floor is extremely uncomfortable. Is this really necessary? Couldn’t they have planned this at a better time such as during the winter when I would be wearing a warm coat with leggings and boots?

Plus, I was told to keep my head down and not move. Are you kidding me? Did I mention the damn floor is freezing? I’m so cold, I’m shaking. I must tell the bank staff that their cleaning crew is not doing a thorough enough job. There are dust bunnies everywhere.

I just don’t believe this! One of the bank robbers is wearing a pair of Keds designed by Taylor Swift. They are classy with a figure of a cat’s head on the heel of the shoe and they are very pricey. Could she be robbing the bank to help pay for her shoe fetish? 

I just realized why this situation seems so odd. All three robbers are female. How unusual. Should I mention to the one robber that her socks are two different shades of red? Think she’d be offended?

They are now asking for all our jewelry, money, and cell phones. The one wearing purple high tops is gathering all of our possessions. What about robbing the bank instead of us? Isn’t that the whole purpose of a bank robbery?

The alarm just started going off and that is making all three very jittery. Did I mention they were carrying guns? I hope they are NRA members and have had lessons on the proper technique of holding and using firearms. As we all know, guns can be very dangerous in the hands of someone who doesn’t know what the hell they are doing. I pray that they have some type of experience and don’t start shooting because the damned alarm is making them so nervous.

Finally, after three hours something finally happens. All of a sudden, they are asking us to stand in a tight circle facing outward and to slowly start walking out the front door. Hey, don’t they know there is a squad of men with loaded guns right outside the door? I don’t know about anyone else, but I don’t want to be considered a moving target. Well, I guess I have no choice at this point. I’m not the one holding a loaded gun. I do what I’m told.

Just as the last of us squeezes out the doorway, a string of firecrackers goes off.  One of the robbers had set them off. We all go running in different directions, screaming our heads off, causing quite a disruption which is what our three wanted. In all of the confusion, they got away.

Afterwards, the police were taking descriptions of the robbers. I was able to tell the officer that one of the robbers was wearing black Doc Martins and had a husky voice. The one wearing Taylor Swift’s Keds had a whiny-baby sounding voice. And, the one in the purple high tops with the red socks had a very southern accent and had a slight limp.

The fact that the robbers were female made national news. Other than that, they were never found after taking all of our jewelry and the money from the bank. They did leave our cell phones behind so at least I’m still functional. Unfortunately, I’m missing a lot of bling.

P.S. – I was in the grocery store recently and looked over at this nicely dressed young woman wearing a pair of Taylor Swift Keds – could she have been one of the three bank robbers? I will never know.

The End!

I'm just a Guppy in Shark Infested Waters!

I first published this story in May of 2014. When re-reading this, it made me aware that there have been so many negative people in my life. I seem to attract individuals who are harmful to my well being. 

I know -- a psychiatrist would have a field day delving into my life to find out why this happens. I've been in and out of therapy for years and have never understood my ability to attract individuals who are as damaged as I am. I do know that they lash out at me due to their own complicated personal issues. With that said, I always blame myself for their actions by thinking I have done something to cause them to go off on me.

                            ******************************************

I’m lacking in self-confidence, big time. I’ve known this since I was seven-years old. It’s hard to believe I can be good at anything when there have been so many individuals throughout my life who have constantly disagreed on that point. Okay, here’s a list of things that I don’t have the ability to do thanks to my gene pool or being hit on the head one time too many:

• My ability to sing, carry a tune, hum or whistle is abysmal. Remembering the words to a song, much less the title, isn’t in my realm. Mary hears music in her head. I just hear static.

• When it came to school sports, I was always picked to sit on the sidelines for whatever activity, even when it came to jumping on the trampoline. Volleyball, basketball, baseball… words I learned to fear. My ability to run has always been questionable, and now with two bad knees... I don’t know if given the opportunity to “run with the bulls in Pamploma” that I could. Is that a basketball team or a sports drink?

• My coordination is so off, it’s hilarious. My ability to use a fly swatter is sad. The creature has already flown around my head twice and made it to other side of the room by the time the swatter even hits the wall. Skipping, jumping, galloping, even dancing … I look like I’m listing to the side in very rough seas.

• I don’t know how to make money and keep it for a rainy day. I do know how to spend money and buy a Jones of New York raincoat. I just want to point out that it was on sale! And, 12 years later I'm still wearing it.

• I have a hard time remembering faces and names, even my own. The other day someone said, “Hi Sharon.” I don’t know who she was and still don’t. I did point out how beautiful her haircut was.  She did say “When you last saw me, it was long”. That was a helpful hint. Not!

• Everyone around me is talking about singers, songs, sports, twitter, hash tags, and I’m just lost. I’m still trying to figure out Facebook and I’ve had an account for ten years.

• My ability to think on my feet just doesn’t work. I’m must be flat footed. Do I need arch supports? Though I can be spontaneous with a week’s notice.

Here’s something I do extremely well -- I’m bait for sharks. That’s the best way I can explain my life. A little blood in the water (my lack of self-confidence) swirling around me and everyone sprints for the chum. Complete strangers start berating me in elevators, street corners, grocery store aisles. Co-workers will huddle and come at me en masse. It’s like being hit by a linebacker. My own parents even blamed me for their IRS audit when I was eight years old!

So, here’s my solution about the sharks – I’ll just become a guppy. They are small and a shark couldn’t even see them much less feel them. I could flow right around their teeth and I wouldn’t get hurt. That’s a nice thought, not realistic, but still… a possibility.

Until the next time...

Color by Number

I’m a counter. I keep track of the number of loads of laundry I do every week, the number of glasses of water I consume (using an app on my phone), and I keep the household finances. Numbers help me put my world in order. So here are a few numbers.

So far in my lifetime, I have lived on three Air Force Bases in two countries, and in seven states plus the District of Columbia. Within those seven states, I’ve lived in 14 cities. I’ve held 25 jobs since graduating from College. My first job lasted three days and my longest-held job was 12 years.

From the age 19 to 49, I dated more than a few men and married three of them. And all three became ex-husbands. Thankfully, since 2003, I’ve been in one relationship for 16 years.

I find these facts and figures fascinating. When I was growing up in Lincoln, Nebraska, had I been told about the various types of numbers I would accumulate over the years, I would have been dumbfounded. If I had looked into a crystal ball, I never would have believed everything that actually occurred in my life. First of all, I truly believed I would live in Nebraska for my entire life, marry one man and live happily ever after. Oops…surprise! We know that definitely didn’t happen.

What did happen? Well … life did. I was given limited instructions from my parents on how to function; I went blindly forth into the world. Yes, I got lost many times, made some horribly bad decisions and I met a few individuals who were in serious need of long-term therapy. But along the way, good things did happen.

For many years, the sad memories far exceeded the happy ones. But in 2003, something extremely good happened along my journey. Mary came into my life. She was the first person to show me what unconditional love looked like. There was no master agenda, no drama, and no playbooks to be followed. What a lovely change. 

Since our lives have merged, things have happened, some good and some not.  And we have definitely accrued enough material for a long running sitcom. For me, to be loved by someone who wants the best for me, who gives me support, and who is willing to be my champion if deemed necessary, is just amazing. 

Until the next time...

What is Grace?

The power of one word could change history; if not world history, at least your own. 

To me, this speaks volumes about how people could better their lives by one five-character word, GRACE. This single word could stop a war instead of starting one, could soften the heart of a parent of a gay child, could stop a family feud before members are no longer around to make amends. 

What have you done today to share grace with others?

Many years ago, I found the following on a bottle of shampoo and shower gel distributed by philosophy®. 

Grace

Life is a classroom; we are both student and teacher. Each day is a test. And each day we receive a passing or failing grade in one particular subject: Grace. 

Grace is compassion, gratitude, surrender, faith, forgiveness, good manners, reverence, and the list goes on. It's something money can't buy, and credentials rarely produce.

Being the smartest, the prettiest, the most talented, the richest, or even the poorest, can't help. Being a humble person can and being a helpful person can guide you through your days with grace and gratitude. 

Alison and Jonathan - A Love Story

This is a Fiction Piece - the idea for this story was from a dream I had where I lost Mary and the dogs in a car accident.

Alison and Jonathan had known each other for 14 years, and for 10 of them, were happily married. Their lives were perfect, and they knew it. Sometimes they would look at each other and say, “What would happen if our world fell apart?” but it never did. That is until July 10, 2015 when everything went horribly wrong.

It was a normal day for them. They got up at 6 a.m. and went jogging. They came back, got ready for work, were out of the house by 7:30 a.m. and at their respective desks by 8 a.m.

Jonathan would get home by 4:30 p.m. to take their dogs over to the local dog park. He did this daily and was always back by 5:30 to help Alison with preparing the dog's meals as well as their own. Alison started getting worried by 5:40 when Jonathan hadn’t returned home with the dogs. By 6:00 she was frantic. The phone rang at 6:10 and it wasn’t Jonathan. It was the police telling Alison that Jonathan had been in a serious car accident. He was being taken by helicopter to Baystate Hospital in Springfield.

Alison asked about the dogs and the officer said they were badly hurt and needed to be treated. Alison asked if he could stay with the dogs until she got to the accident scene which was only five minutes away. When she arrived, the officer helped get both dogs into the car. Alison had already called the Vet Clinic to tell them that she was bringing them in.

The staff were waiting outside. Each dog was assigned a vet to assess the injuries. Once they were examined, it was decided that due to the nature of their injuries, both dogs were going to have to be put down. Alison was with each one of her beloved pups when this happened.

One of the techs gave Alison a ride to Baystate Hospital to be with Jonathan. Once Alison arrived at the E.D., she was told that he was in surgery and they didn’t know how long he would be there. About an hour later, a doctor came out and informed Alison that Jonathan’s injuries were so serious that he was brain dead. Alison reacted hysterically to the news and had to be given a sedative. She was asked by a nurse if there were any family members who would like to see Jonathan.

Back when the two of them started dating, Jonathan’s family refused to have further contact with the couple since Alison was black. That decision devastated Jonathan for years. 

Alison contacted Jonathan’s family to let them know of his condition and to give them the opportunity to see him before he died. Elizabeth, his mother, was the only family member to come to the hospital. Alison also contacted Jonathan’s friends and colleagues who came in droves to say their good-byes.

At the funeral, over 200 people attended. Jonathan’s best friend and groomsman at their wedding gave the eulogy. David spoke about Jonathan’s love for Alison. He also related cute stories about their dogs. One was about Daisy who always snapped at his shoestrings. When David changed to loafers, Daisy continued to snap at his shoes. For Daisy, nothing had changed.

After the week of obligatory casseroles, Alison found the flood of concerned friends had slowed down to a trickle. She was at a loss as to what to do with her life without Jonathan and the dogs. She went back to work, but the thrill of the job had faded. Colleagues tried to be understanding, but other things in their personal and work lives took precedence. Alison became quite lonely.

At around this point Alison, heard from their vet. They had a puppy who had been hit by a car and had been abandoned. She had undergone surgery and was in the healing process. The vet suggested that Alison stop by and visit. She did, and right away, felt a kindred spirit with the puppy. She decided to name her "Hope" and brought her home.

Alison spent countless hours trying to understand why Jonathan died. Alison heard from the District Attorney’s Office about the accident. The individual who had hit Jonathan had started drinking at a local bar around noon and left a little after 5:00. He fled the scene of the accident but was later identified because of a witness's report of what the car looked like. That car belonged to a Congressman from their local district. This caused a flurry of news reports that led reporters to Alison. 

She briefly spoke to them explaining how much the loss of Jonathan and the dogs had changed her life forever. She also mentioned that she had hired an attorney to sue the Congressman for wrongful death. Within 48 hours after her comments to the reporters, his attorney contacted Alison's with a settlement offer.

The offer was for a half of a million dollars with the agreement that Alison would never discuss what the settlement details were. Her counteroffer was $750,000 and that attorney fees would be paid by the Congressmen as well. Alison planned to start a scholarship fund for students in need at Sacred Heart University where Jonathan had gotten his degree.

One thing Alison did do was to complete the painting project of the laundry room that Jonathan had started.  He had painted two of the walls neon yellow and stopped. Several years went by and Jonathan never picked up a paint brush to finish the project. The main wall had about 20 pictures hanging on it and Jonathan did not want to displace them in the process. 

Alison took a photo so she could put the pictures back in their appropriate places. Once the job was done, Alison finished up the project by signing Jonathan’s name in a corner above the baseboard. She also included the date he was killed. She re-hung the pictures and looked at the room that she and Jonathan had created. For the first time in months, she smiled.

He Said I Was Delusional. I Nearly Fell Off My Unicorn.

Why does this witty verse make me smile and chuckle at the same time? Does this relate to some aspect of my life? Or do I just see the humor of riding a unicorn in this crazy, out-of-control world we live in?

Think about these three sayings that have been bandied about over the years:

• ·        Get off your high horse
• ·        You’ve changed horses in mid-stream
• ·        Get back on your horse

Isn’t a unicorn a type of horse? I looked up the definition of unicorns in my Merriam-Webster app. It states a unicorn is “A mythical, usually white animal generally depicted with the body and head of a horse with long flowing mane and tail and a single, often spiraled horn in the middle of the forehead.”

Okay, maybe the mythical/spiraled horn takes a unicorn into a whole different realm.  To me it represents a world where there exists a wonderful, loving, safe place to live in and enjoy. Unfortunately, that doesn’t exist in the world in which we currently live.

Where’s a unicorn when you need one? Or maybe we should move in with Puff the Magic Dragon who lives by the sea.

Until the next time…

Witticisms I’ve Collected Along the Way - Chapter 1

I do not take credit for these wonderful witticisms. I’ve collected them over the years from others who have written them.

  Political Observations:

·        Remember back when Sarah Palin was the craziest person in politics? GOOD TIMES.

·        Can we just admit we may have taken this “ANYONE CAN GROW UP TO BE PRESIDENT” thing just a bit too far?

·        Trying To Pick My Favorite Politician is like trying to decide which STD would be best for me.

·        BE CAREFUL When you blindly follow the masses – sometimes the “M” is silent.

·        Elect a clown – expect a Circus

·        Not my Circus, Not my Monkeys

Diva Statements:

·        OOPS…Did I roll my eyes out loud?

·        Clearly states DIVA on my birth certificate.

·        ADMIT IT – Life would be so boring without me.

·        If I were WRONG don’t you THINK I’d know?

·        You couldn’t handle me even if I came with INSTRUCTIONS.

·        You know that little thing inside your head that keeps you from saying things you shouldn’t? Yeah, I don’t have one of those.

·        I can’t decide what pants to put on today: smarty or fancy

·        MY FAVORITE COLORS ARE: Black, Dark Black, Pitch Black, Pastel Black, Light Black, and Faded Black.

Aging Gracefully:

·        Being cremated is my last hope for a smoking, hot body!

·        I’m a - Wooden Spoon, Lead Paint, No Car Seat, No Seat Belt, No Bike Helmet – Survivor!

·        If I’m ever on life support, unplug me. Then plug me back in. See if that works.

·        The best thing about the good old days was that I wasn’t good and I wasn’t old.

·        So when is this old enough to know better supposed to kick in?

·        My glass is empty! QUICK! Call Wine-One-One!

·        Physically I’m here, mentally I’m in a Galaxy FAR FAR Away.

·        I don’t trip – I do random gravity checks.

·        I just did a week’s worth of cardio after walking into a spider web.

·        I can’t believe HOW OLD people my age are.

·        IF I WOKE UP in the morning and nothing hurt - I WOULD THINK I WAS DEAD.

·        Don’t grow up – it’s a trap.

·        Life is too short to waste time matching socks.

·        I could be a morning person if morning happened at noon.

·        I saw people through the window today. That’s enough social interaction.

·        Never judge a book by its movie.

·        Wait! I do not snore! I dream I’m a motorcycle!

·        Retired: Goodbye tension. Hello pension. 

Cats & Dogs:

·        St. Catrick – Patron Saint of Crazy Cat Ladies

·        I was normal three dogs back.

·        Life is short. Spoil your dog.

·        WHATEVER – My dog thinks I’m awesome.

·        I work hard so my dog can have a better life

·        Dogs make me happy. Humans? Not so much.

·        RESCUED – is my favorite BREED

·        The journey of life is sweeter when traveled with a dog.

·        LOVE is how excited your dog gets when you come home.

·        Sometimes I meet people and feel bad for their dog. 

Statements of Truth:

·        Around here, normal is just a setting on the dryer.

·        In order to insult me, I must first value your opinion…nice try though.

·        I’m beginning to think that for some of you, the wheels on your bus do not go round & round.

·        He said I was delusional; I nearly fell off my unicorn.

·        It’s not that I’m immature. It’s just that you started it!

·        In my defense – I was left unsupervised.

·        I would like to thank my middle finger for always sticking up for me when I need it.

·        I Think I Still Have Some Unfinished Procrastinating To Do From Yesterday.

·        I’m the oldest - I make the rules.

·        I’m the middle – I’m the reason we have rules.

·        I’m the youngest – the rules don’t apply to me.

·        Project Manager – BECAUSE MIRACLE WORKER ISN’T AN OFFICIAL JOB TITLE

·        SAWDUST IS MAN GLITTER